It’s time for Fun With Search Engines, the SydLexia.com site report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for March 26th – April 1st.

1. hulk hogan i am a true american lyrics – Hulk Hogan isn’t a true American. He’s a REAL American.

2. cleo’s leg warmers heathcliff – I can only assume this search is part of some sick fetish that I want no part of.

3. mortal kombat pics of cyrax – Well, here’s one:

 
4. how to beat punch out – In order to beat Punch-Out, you must punch out all of your opponents. The easiest way to do this is to outbox and outfox them. That it to say, you should hit them more times than they hit you. Also, you should dodge their blows and then deliver your own blows. Basically, there will be a whole lot of blowing.

5. nes game where you had to beat the game so you could win a contest – Nintendo Power sponsored several contests where you had to either beat a game or progress a certain distance through it in order to enter. I can only remember two of them, both of which involved Final Fantasy. One of them was a trivia type thing where you needed to find various information such as the name of the dancer in the Coneria and a name on a tombstone in Elfland. The other Final Fantasy contest required you to get a picture of your party fighting the super rare WarMech opponent.

6. how to dance like michael jackson – Practice.

7. hermione granger nude – How about…. NO.

 
That’s it for now. Look for a new article on the main site soon. How soon? Not as soon as I’d like.

Yes, it’s really me. And yes, I really am a douchebag. I’m not a huge fan of April Fools’ Day jokes; last year, I didn’t even do one. People are expecting jokes on April Fools’ Day, so it’s hard to pull off a good one. If you simply change around your site’s layout on April 1st, people will either groan in annoyance or laugh politely because they think it’s “cute”. The only people who will actually fall for something like that are complete idiots. So when I decided to plan out my April Fools’ Day prank, I went into it with two central ideas:

1. An April Fools’ Day Joke is only funny if you actually trick people.
2. The people who visit my site aren’t idiots.

And so, I concocted an elaborate scheme to fool everyone that was set into motion well before April Fools’ Day. And it worked. To all of you who were genuinely worried about the site, I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better, I didn’t really enjoy the prank. It was fun for a while, but after visiting the forums a few times, I felt really guilty. I thought about calling it off early several times, but I ultimately decided to see it through to the end. In order to answer any lingering questions about the joke, I’ve throw together the a FAQ.

AFD FAQ

Who was in on it?
I told Dr. Jeebus, cybersst, and S. McCracken about it. They all knew something was going to happen, just not exactly what. Valdronius and greeneyedzeke figured it out on their own after it went live.

So you didn’t actually tell your moderators? That’s cold.
Yes, I suppose it is. But it helped add to the realism. Of course, if it had been a real attack, the moderators probably would have been banned or demoted.

When did the April Fools’ Day Joke start?
March 9th. I gave cybersst an account called maddoxownsyou, I had him post a couple of threatening/annoying messages times, and then I banned him. I had him do it so that the IP couldn’t be traced back to me. Then I remembered that only moderators can check IPs, so I felt silly for going to extra lengths.

Were there actually any bandwith/hacking attacks against the site?
No, that was part of the setup too.

So were there any real problems at all?
Yes. I really did have some problems with trolls on the boards. First, there was mcdusher. While not truly a troll, he did manage to piss off half of my regulars with his bad spelling, incoherent leftist rants, and undying love for Microsoft. It boggles my mind how someone who harbors such huge mistrust towards the American government and capitalist society can openly support the world’s most evil multinational corporation, but whatever. Eventually mcdusher got bored and left. After that, things were quiet until my planned maddoxownsyou attacks. After I initiated the maddoxownsyou posts, two or three real spammers showed up. They were quickly and quietly banned.

Why did you tie Maddox into this?
Because it was believable. Maddox definitely has fans who are diehard enough and retarded enough to attempt to hack a site over an anti-Maddox statement, so I knew it would work. Maddox openly admits that many of his fans are complete idiots. That’s what happens when you design your site appeal to the lowest common denominator. If you’ve been to the site, you’ve seen the barely intelligible hate mail that he gets. According to his FAQ, “most of [his fan mail] is more poorly written than [his] hate mail”.

So do you hate Maddox?
No, not especially. I only find about 40% of his posts funny, but the good ones are fucking classics. But I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t bug me that he does way more traffic than me. The guy rarely fucking updates and his site is still huge. But what really pisses me off is that sites like BurgerKing.com do better traffic than me. The information content Burger King’s website is much like nutrition content of their food: ZERO. But whereas BK’s food tastes good, their website is completely fucking useless.

If you don’t hate him, what’s the deal with the Haddox page?
While I was sifting through the 3000 screenshots I took of Rolling Thunder, I suddenly lost the will to write anything that would take any sort of actual analysis, reflection, and effort. So I threw together the Haddox site as a distraction. Any time I can’t think of anything good to write, I make a Haddox post instead.

Can we expect something like this next year?
Absolutely not. As a webmaster, there’s a limit to how many times you can falsely claim that you’ve been hacked without completely destroying the trust and goodwill between you and your readers. That limit is probably zero, but it’s definitely not higher than one. I do not want to build a reputation as The Boy Who Cried H4X0R3D, so I will never attempt an April Fools’ Day joke this elaborate again. If I do an April Fools’ Day joke next year, it will be blatant and silly.

Oh, and in case anyone missed it, here’s what the site looked like:

Main Page: http://www.sydlexia.com/afd2006.htm
Forums: main | Syd Loseria | h4x0r3d!!!! | 8 hrs | ATTN: TEBOR. | Tebor Apology 1 | Tebor Apology 2

      Part 24 of the NES Drinking Saga is now up. Will I finally get my shit together and start updating it on a regular basis again? We can only hope.

      Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I show some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week of March 19th through March 25th. Ready? Let’s go…

1. who plays the lead in 1985’s fantasy adventure red sonja – Brigitte Nielsen. She looks like a man in most movies, but she was actually sort of attractive with the red wig. Bridgette Wilson is way hotter though:

 
2. super mario 2 japan rom that runs on us nes emulator – While there are some hacked Super Mario Brothers roms that recreate fairly well, you will need an emulator with Famicom Disk System support if you want to run the actual Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2 rom. The reason being that the Japanese version of SMB2 was a floppy disk, not a cartridge. A lot of people don’t seem to realize this.

3. how to euthanize your cat – The Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger suggested the following: Place your cat is placed in a sealed box. Attach the box to an apparatus containing a radioactive nucleus and a canister of poison gas. This apparatus should be separated from the cat in such a way that the cat can in no way interfere with it. When the nucleus decays, it will emit a particle that triggers the apparatus, which opens the canister and kills the cat. Problem solved.

4. obscure pop culture – I can think of no better example of obscure pop culture than the Clarissa Explains It All board game. There probably is one, but I much prefer shameless self promotion.

5. shoot the bitch – Robert Blake, it is an honor to have you surf my site. How you’d like to play President Ronnie in a movie adaptation of the classic arcade game Bad Dudes that probably won’t ever get past the “Wouldn’t It Be Cool If…” stage?

6. kristin cavalleri nude – This is the part of FWSE where I start to get bored and thrown in one of the recurring porn searches that shows up in my site logs. Searches for nonexistent celebrity porn never get old. Oh wait, yes they do.

7. christy hemme talentless – I think we can all agree on that.

      Well, I’m afraid that’s it for now. If everything goes well, you will get to see some new site content before the end of the week. Even if it doesn’t, you still might.

      So there’s a pretty good chance the site may go down at some point during the week. I am dangerously close to exceeding my monthly bandwith limit and if that happens, the site will be down until April’s billing cycle starts. I am not going to pay the overages and I will decline any offers to do so, for reasons that I am about to explain…

      In most cases, exceeding my monthly bandwith could be considered a good thing. It would mean that my site recieves great traffic and is adored by several thousand regular visitors. And while I certainly do OK in terms of traffic, that is not the reason that my bandwith is almost gone. In recent weeks, I have been threatened by several people (or perhaps one person with multiple e-mails and way too much free time) who are angry with me over a Maddox parody hosted on my site. The page was supposed to be a private joke, but somehow it was leaked. Quite a few people have seen it now, including some of Maddox’s more rabid fans. These people can’t take a fucking joke (or spell… or put together a coherent thought) and they’re pissed at me for hosting the page. Their hostility has mostly taken the form of vulgar e-mails, but there have been a few unpleasant incidents on the forums too. If that were the full extent of the problems, I would just ignore these pricks and get on with my life. But lately, things have gotten worse.

      Over the last few days, I have noticed that my site has been using an unusually high amount of bandwith and that most of this added usage is coming from a handful of IPs. While the e-mails that I’ve received only make vague unintelligible threats, I am fairly positive that this an orchestrated attempt to crash my site. I have tried to use IP blocking to protect my bandwith but when I block one IP, a new one takes its place. Not only does this confirm my suspicions that someone is fucking with me, it also means there’s not much I can do to stop them right now. I am current working with my webhost, Dreamhost, to find a solution to this problem. I am also in contact with a lawyer about this matter. If there is any legal ground for me to sue these bastards, I’m gonna fucking rape their wallets. I think I may have a case. I am not sure if I can press charges over the bandwith attack, but there were 113 failed attempts to access the site’s FTP on March 25th. If that doesn’t constitute a hacking attempt, I don’t know what does.

      So please bear with me over the course of the next week. If the site goes down, don’t panic; I am not quitting and it will be back up at 10 AM EST on Saturday when the new billing cycle starts. Thank you.

      Welcome to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com feature where I showcase some of the various keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of March 12th – March 18th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. michael jackson’s moonwalker game stills – Screenshots. When they’re taken from a video game, they’re called screenshots. And if you’re looking for Moonwalker screenshots, you’ll find 39 of them in my article on Sega’s bizarre arcade game.

2. super punch out review – Hey, I’ve got one of those. If you hate the game or know nothing about it, you’ll probably enjoy it. If you like the game, you’ll be pissed.

3. sexy naked pictures of kristin cavalleri – Sorry, the only naked pictures I have of Kristin Cavallari are from a routine gynecology exam and that’s not sexy at all.

4. xanga kara beth borden – I have absolutely no idea what a Xanga is, let alone a Kara Beth Borden. Is that one of those new frittatas at Denny’s?

5. why should drunk drivers have a death penalty – So that I don’t have to see any of those heavyhanded drunk driving PSAs when I’m watching syndicated sitcoms, that’s why. Also, they’re the fucking scum of the earth.

6. what does ytmnd stand for – Gee, I don’t know. Let’s see if we can find a clues on the ytmnd.com homepage. Look closely:

Do you give up? It stands for You’re The Man Now Dog. The site’s name comes from an unintentionally hilarious line spoken by Sean Connery in the movie Finding Forrester.

7. strawberry smells bad – Like hell it does!

      Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be back in a few days with the next edition of FWSE. Until then, you’ll have to screw around on the forums.

      It’s been way too long, but a new article is finally up. This one is on Konami’s 1990 arcade game Aliens, based on the 1986 movie of the same name.

Well it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com feature where I review some of the search terms that brought various visitors to my site. I couldn’t make these up if I tried. Actually, I could make them up very easily, but I haven’t; these are all actual searches. This FWSE report is for the week of March 5th – March 11th. Ready? Here we go…

1. giant man eating bat – Fine, here you go:

Okay, that kinda sucked. Sorry about that. If you can do better, send it in and I’ll post it.

2. what does kitana turn into after doing animality – A rabbit. There are easier ways to find this shit out than blindly typing it into Google. For God’s sake, discover GameFAQs. Thanks for the hit though.

3. revolution x smash tv – …are both awesome games. Next!

4. super mario fucking kara borden while donkeylips watches – Not only was this one a confirmed plant, but it was planted by Dr. Jeebus. It’s nice to know that even though my brother has only contributed one article to date, he still finds time to fuck with FWSE.

5. teen age fucking on mid night hot – Teenage is one word; so is midnight. Thanks for playing.

6. conan destroyer movie download – Just fucking buy it. You can get it for under under $10 or you can get it in a two-pack with Conan The Barbarian for under $20. If you can’t afford that, then where the hell did you get a computer?

7. vincent schiavelli was he in home alone film? – I don’t know, why don’t you try looking up his filmography on IMDB? No, he wasn’t. I knew that before even looking. No one in Home Alone even ALMOST looks like him. Do you even fucking know who Vincent Schiavelli was? Fuck you.

      A new comic is up. Does it spell the official end of the NES Drinking Saga, or is it just a convenient sight gag? YOU BE THE JUDGE. No wait, it’s my site so I should get to decide. It’s the second option, the sight gag one. Now read it.

      Welcome back once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I chronicle some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. Sadly, they generally don’t include Narnia. This FWSE report is for the week of February 26th – March 4th. As always, these are all real searches. Here it comes…

1. earthworm jim hentai – That’s a new one and it’s kinda scary. The Earthworm Jim characters are all pretty weird, do you *really* want to see Professor Monkey For A Head getting head from Earthworm Kim? Worms are hermaphroditic, so I’m pretty sure that looking at something like that would make you gay. Not that there’s anything wrong that.

2. larged winged bull-man guardian figures – Hey, at least it’s not hentai.

3. cartoon with cats in junkyard – That would be Cats And Co., also known as The Catillac Cats. It was part of Heathcliff’s show and it featured Riff Raff, Hector, Wordsworth, Mungo, and Cleo.

4. pop culture knowledge – Man, I wish I had some of that.

5. president afraid of the dark – That would be Bill Clinton. The reason he’s afraid of the dark is because Hillary could be hiding there somewhere, waiting for him.

6. what does half screen fatality mean – It means you have to distance yourself roughly halfway across the screen from your opponent in order for the fatality to work. In some FAQs, this is referred to as jumping distance, meaning that if you are standing next to your opponent and jump away from him, you will put yourself within the proper range to successfully execute the fatality. To see examples of close range fatalities and distanced fatalities, click here.

7. hudson’s adventure island how to kill boss – Are you fucking KIDDING me? You’ve got to be kidding. But in case you’re not, here’s a hint: THROW YOUR FUCKING WEAPON AT ITS FUCKING HEAD.

      I’m done, and that last one utterly destroyed my faith in humanity. While you wait for me to regain it, feel free to read my latest article. It’s on the Clarissa Explains It All board game. No, seriously.

      I’ve decided to revisit two things that have helped shape my life: Catholicism and misappropriated NES sprites. What exactly does that mean? It means a new comic is up. It also means I’m going to Hell because I eat meat on Fridays.

Well, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I dredge up some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. These keywords usually include a variety of subjects from kara borden nude to hentai to even more hentai. This FWSE report is for the week of February 19th – February 25th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. video game controversary – Is controversary even a word? Come on people, stop giving Jack Thompson ammo. If more gamers could learn to form proper sentences and construct rational arguments as to why violent video games don’t cause violence (and by the way, they don’t), then maybe there’d be a whole lot less controversy. Someone needs to tell all those little fourteen-year-old shitheads out there smoking pot and playing Halo 2 everyday to do their fucking homework every once in a while because they’re going to ruin gaming for the rest of us.

I’m sorry, I meant to say this: LMAO XBOX R0X0RZ!!!! GTA FUCKING PWNZ J00!

2. the world just lost another hulkamaniac – Thousand of people die everyday, so odds are pretty good that at least one Hulkamaniac died today.

3. worst mortal kombat character – That’s easy: Kurtis Stryker.

4. how can i talk to the people that made nintendo mario – Learn Japanese.

5. super mario bloopers – This one comes up fairly frequently and I usually ignore it. I imagine that somebody out there must have made a gag reel of fake Mario bloopers and I figure that is probably what these people are searching for. So now, for the first time ever, I am finally ready to unveil my favorite Super Mario-related bloopers:

 
6. what is this stuff about nudalities in mk trilogy – Oh, that. That stuff is total bullshit.

7. best arnie puns – I’m partial to “He had to catch a train.” from Eraser.

      A new comic is up. It’s dedicated to anyone who has ever worked retail, but especially any of you who have ever worked at a supermarket, especially during winter. Enjoy.

      It’s a little late in the week but it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of February 12th – February 18th. Also, it’s pretty half-assed.

1. nintendo world class track meet instruction manual – Why the hell would you need it? What’s wrong, you can’t figure out how to run? If you’re really that goddam stupid, try Vimm’s Lair. It’s under “S” for Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt/World Class Track Meet.

2. daughter is fucking a dude – One out of every ten daughters would rather fuck a chick.

3. wrestlemania fucking – Wrestlemania fucking, huh? Yeah right. If they had backstage orgies at Wrestlemania, some jobber would taped it, Dave Meltzer would have reported it, and it would be all over BitTorrent like a hobo on a ham sandwich.

4. pink frog insect back japan – Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

5. irem fucking – I this should have been fucking irem as in “Fucking Irem and their fucking inability to release more than one or two games a year, most of which don’t even get U.S. releases.”

6. how many levels in rampage nintendo – Lots.

7. sugar free vodka – If you want sugar free vodka, here’s a simple solution… DON’T FUCKING ADD RED BULL TO IT! There, now wasn’t that easy?

Yeah, so that sucked. Go read my Super Punch-Out review because that doesn’t.

      Sorry about the lack of new content, I should have somewhere between one to two articles done sometime Monday or Tuesday. I would have liked to have get something up sooner, but I have a busy weekend ahead of me. This post actually serves no useful purpose to you, the reader. Basically it’s just meant to bump my Valentine’s Day post since V-Day was three days ago. Hey, at least I’m fucking honest about it.

 
Alternate #1
Alternate #2

      Welcome to yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly feature where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site put into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting February 5th and ending February 11th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. legend of the hidden temple video game – Even though you failed to pluralize the word “legend”, I am going to assume you are referring to the classic Nickelodeon show Legends of the Hidden Temple. I’ve got some bad news, no such game ever existed. According to GameFAQs, there isn’t a single game that even has both the words “hidden” and “temple” in its title. There were only two Nickelodeon video games from that era: GUTS on the Super Nintendo and Clarissa Darling’s Date Rape Tragedy on the Sega Genesis.

2. eat my shorts nickelodeon – Congratulations, you’ve managed to confuse a tired old Bart Simpson catchphrase with a classic Nickelodeon show.

3. hockey ducktales – You’re probably thinking of Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series, one of the worst cartoons ever to grace the Disney Afternoon.

4. super mario bros. and heathcliff free dvd – Such a thing does exist. It came in specially marked boxes of General Mills cereals at some point in 2004. I have it:

 
5. when you’re at a party and that thing flies and neck – I agree.

6. what soda has the least caffeine – Gee, how about the ones that say CAFFEINE FREE in big fucking letters right on the bottle? Maybe it’s those ones, you retard.

7. me and mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird, and instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a santa claus suit. he’d been climbing down the chimney on christmas eve. his arm was loaded with presents. he was gonna surprise us. he slipped and broke his neck, died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no santa claus… – And the award for Longest Fucking Search Term That I’ve Ever Seen goes to the person in seat number 62.171.194.12. Pleae note that no actual prize will be awarded.
 
That’s it. Here’s a comic.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search engines, the recurring SydLexia.com site report where you can see some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines along with some half-assed commentary from me. This FWSE report covers the week starting January 29th and ending February 4th. Enjoy!

1. internet porn passcodes – Ha, nice try. I hate to break this to you, but due to strict international decency regulations, there is no pornographic material available anywhere on the internet. Sorry.

2. you can’t do that on television – How dare you presume to tell me what I can and cannot do on television. Fuck you.

3. murdar machene – This is what happens when my forum members Google themselves. If you join my goddam forums, you too could be featured in Fun With Search Engines.

DISCLAIMER: You won’t be.

4. preteens fucking preteens – I try to ignore this shit, but every time I see it, it makes me fucking angry. The degenerates who search for child pornography need to be held accountable for it. Unfortunately, there’s not much that I can do except try to embarrass them. Below, you’ll find a list of the IPs of all the people who found my site by searching for some variant of “fucking preteens” on February 1st. Why only that one day? Because I’m not a fucking watchdog and this is a pain in the ass to do, that’s why. Anyway, here the IPs of some disgusting human beings who need to be shot:

152.163.100.65
152.163.100.14
63.156.215.24
67.141.153.52
68.92.37.11
24.197.154.17
172.203.229.171
24.115.104.32
216.129.36.134
207.200.116.195

5. fuck you raiden – So you want to fuck the God of Thunder, huh? Let’s see what he has to say about this…

 
6. john hughes the best director ever – John Hughes was a pretty good director, but he was not the best. I’ve got two words for you, two words that automatically disqualify him from ever receiving the honor of Best Director Ever: Curly Sue.

7. nude pictures of kara borden – You know, she’s underage and she’s not even newsworthy anymore. If you people don’t stop with this shit, I’ll start publishing your IPs too.

      And so the curtain closes on yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. If this didn’t manage to hold your interest, you can always check out my latest article. It’s on the classic 1987 Pink Floyd album A Momentary Lapse of Reason and it’s far more interesting than this shit. It’s also much longer.

      All right, so President Bush has given his 2006 State Of The Union address. Since 2006 is well beyond my area of expertise, I don’t feel it’s necessary for me to offer any sort of analysis of this event. But hey, here’s a comic about it.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This week, I’ve omitted all the Kristin Cavalleri, Kara Borden, and hentai searches because I’m getting sick of them. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 22nd and ending January 28th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. emo band names – I had forgotten all about this. Needless to say, it isn’t anywhere near as lucrative as I thought it would be.

2. whomp em – Fuck that. Crush ‘Em!

 
3. midway revolution x hint – Here’s a hint: suck less. The great thing about this hint is that it’s supremely vague so it can be applied to any video game.

4. unblockable porn – Unblockable porn, huh? Well, here you go:

 
5. the song after november rain – On Use Your Illusion I, it’s “The Garden”. On the Guns N’ Roses greatest hits compilation, it’s “Live and Let Die”. In terms of the band’s music video trilogy, it’s “Estranged”. And at least two of these answers could have been found on Amazon.com, dumbass.

6. ninja related crimes – Whatever, here’s another picture:

 
7. merry christmas i fucked your snowman – That’s just gross. People should not fuck snowmen, nor should they fuck more feminine snow creations. I guess the main point to walk away with here is this: man was not meant to fuck snow. But when Jack Frost fucked Shannon Elizabeth to death, that was way hot.

END OF FUN WITH SEARCH ENGINES #53. PLEASE INSERT DISK THREE.