THE GOOD NEWS: SydLexia.com images finally load properly if you view a cached version of my site through Google or Yahoo. Due to some lazy coding on my part, the images were being replaced with my passive-aggressive anti-hotlinking image.

THE BAD NEWS: All you fuckers who keep trying to link to pictures of Budnick and Barth in your goddam Xangas are still fucked, at least until you learn to use Photobucket and quit being retards.

A new comic is up. It features both Eric Draven and Steve “Sting” Borden, although the similarities between the two are never explored. After all, what fun would that be?

      Well it’s time again for Fun With Search Engines. If you haven’t been following the site, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly report where I chronicle some of the search terms that brought visitors to my site. And by SOME, I usually mean seven. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 15th and ending January 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. illegal porn search – That’s fucking BRILLIANT.

2. answers for kids: how are marble angel fish helpful – What does this have to do with my site? Absolutely nothing. What SydLexia.com article came up as a result of this search? The 20 Worst NES Games You Might Have Actually Played. The moral? Don’t try to teach your kids stuff or you’ll end up on profane pop culture sites.

3. girl that got burned from drunk driving on myspace – There’s a bulletin that made its way around MySpace that included incredibly sickening pictures of a girl whose car was hit by a drunk driver. She survived the accident, but she was burned beyond recognition. I would like to say two things on this matter. First, if you’re on MySpace and you ever receive that bulletin, drop the person who sent it to you from your Friends list. Anyone who would send you a PSA with disgusting medical photos obviously doesn’t think very highly of you. That person is basically saying the following: “I don’t think you’re a reasonable person. I don’t think you have the common sense to realize to that drunk driving is a bad fucking idea. So instead, here are some gross photos that will intimidate you into doing the right thing.” It’s a fucking guilt trip and I absolutely HATE guilt trips. It’s bad enough when people lay guilt trips on me for eating meat, but when someone tries to lay one on me for something that I have NO INTENTION OF DOING then I get stabbing mad. So to hell with the bastards that forward those bulletins. Second, why the fuck would anyone actively search for those photos? It’s bad enough when you someone sends them to you, but only a truly deviant person would actually WANT to see that shit. So fuck you too. In fact, fuck you ever harder. If you’d like to learn more about my stance on drunk driving and heavy-handed PSAs, read this.

4. global guts drinking game – This intrigued me, so I did an independent search. There apparently isn’t a Global Guts drinking game, so I’ve invented one:

1. Every time you remember that Mike O’Malley’s profession of choice is second-rate comedian, do a shot.
2. Every time you see Moira “Mo” Quirk, do a shot.
3. Every time you consider fucking Mo, do a shot.
4. Every time some one says Aggro Crag, do a shot.

Is it particularly clever? No, but it’ll get you absolutely TRASHED.

5. are you a bad enough dude – If my stagnant Alexa ranking is any indication, then no. Sorry.

6. kristin cavalleri nude – Every fucking day, some variant of this is one of the top ten search terms that brings people to SydLexia.com. Stop it. Come on people, Laguna Beach isn’t even fucking on anymore. Find a new half-assed celebrity-of-the-moment to put into your fucking porn searches, you douchebags. Oh well, at least the Kara Borden searches are subsiding…

7. murder inspired by an acdc melody – This probably isn’t what you’re talking about, but “Thunderstruck” inspired me to electrocute my cousin Autumn. She was a problem child, but I took care of her with a flick of the switch.

GAME OVER

      If you’re as sick as I was of loading up the SydLexia.com main page and seeing that stupid fucking lamb, then I have cause for rejoice: a new article is up. This time, I take a look at Namco’s semi-classic 1986 arcade game, Rolling Thunder. Enjoy.

      I haven’t given you a new article in almost month and for that I’m sorry. And while that won’t change today, I do have another new comic for you. Hopefully it will tide you over for a little bit.

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com feature where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Generally they range from hentai to celebrity porn to kiddy porn, but this week I’ve dug up some *slightly* more interesting ones. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 8th and ending Januarry 14th. As always, these are all 100% real searches.

1. wrecking balls – For wrecking balls, I recommend a cheese grater. That’d hurt like hell.

2. kristin cavalleri updates – I received word earlier today that Kristin Cavallari was eaten by wolves. She was delicious. In other news, former president Gerald Ford has pneumonia and has been hospitalized. As far as I know, he is doing OK.

3. kara grainger nude – Prior to seeing this search, I had absolutely no idea who Kara Grainger was. She’s apparently a singer/songwriter from Sydney and she’s not bad looking. I still prefer Natalie Imbruglia though. I’d also like to point out that prior to this FWSE, the word Grainger never appeared on the site. However due to references to Beth Borden and Hermione Granger, SydLexia.com is the #1 search result through Google Austrailia. Go figure.

4. monster party nes bosses – Enjoy.

5. wasnt always ninja american ninja – I’m going to assume this is a yes/no question in which case I have a 50/50 chance at being right. So, uh… yes?

6. unblockable fuck pics – What the hell does that even mean?

7. Desperately_Not_Yours – That’s the former Xanga of Kara Borden buddy Kayla Jeffries It totally doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t think anyone mirrored it. Too bad for you.

And we’re done. See, wasn’t that slightly more entertaining than usual? No? Well, fuck you! I’m outta here.

When you go into your basement looking for a hammer but all you can find is old license plates from the 1980s, there’s only one thing you can do: make a new comic.

      For several months now, there has been a major error with my site where sometimes the home page would display incorrectly and instead of seeing the proper images, you’d see my anti-hotlinking image over and over again. Well, I finally figured out what was wrong. Due to the way my htaccess file was coded, the site would replace the images for anyone who didn’t request them from UNDER SydLexia.com. So if you visited the site by typing www.sydlexia.com/ into your browser then the index page would display properly. However, if you typed in www.sydlexia.com instead then you would have got the messed up version. But now I’ve fixed it, so nevermind.

      My next goal is to fix the htaccess file so that Google translations will display the page properly. So far, I’ve had no luck with that.

      UPDATE: Site images now display when you visit SydLexia.com in the Internet Archives. The Internet Archives: Where your favorite typos live forever.

      And so it seems we’ve reached an exceptionally meaningless milestone here in the news section: the 50th Fun With Search Engines. In case you missed the first 49 editions of it, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly site report where I list some of the phrases that visitors to my site plugged into search engines and comment upon them. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 1st and ending January 7th. As always, these are all real searches. And now, here it is:

1. school of athens terminator – I originally assumed that this search was a plant done by one of my forum members. But upon examining the vast search results, it appears highly likely that this was a legitimate search. It’s still pretty bizarre though.

2. kristin cavalleri nude and naked – Nude AND naked? That’s just plain greedy. I think either one or the other would be fine.

3. neopets faeries naked – I mentioned Neopets in FWSE #49 in order to comment on its inherent gayness and THIS is what I get in return. Fantastic.

4. blob porn – You know what? Fine. Here:

 
5. salute my shorts – YOUR shorts, dumbass. It’s Salute Your Shorts. Despite your pitiful lack of pop culture knowledge, Donkeylips still needs your help.

6. how to put dragonballl movies onto myspace – Hi Satan, what’s up? I always suspected that you created the internet but I never imagined that you used it too. I refuse to help you display Dragon Ball movies on your MySpace, but if there is any way that I can serve you through *my* website, drop me an e-mail. Also, tell Anton I said hi. HAIL LUCIFER!

7. kara beth borden nude pics – Why the fuck do I still get searches for this? The news story is effectively dead until David Ludwig’s trial starts. Oh well, at least it’s not a hentai search.

      This concludes a very porntastic edition of Fun With Search Engines. Tune in next week, when I just might dig a little deeper into my site logs and find some slightly more interesting searches.

      A new comic is up in the Comics section. In it, the corporate mascot for a failing pizza chain and a robot from a canceled TV series wax philosophically and teach us how to love again. Or not. Read it HERE.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I highlight some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This is FWSE report covers December 24th – December 31st, which makes this the last FWSE report of 2005. Christmas and NYE are supposed to bring out the best in people but that doesn’t seem to really be the case, at least not on the internet. As you’ll soon discover, some bastards have absolutely no qualms about searching for porn on Christmas. So without further delay, I bring you Fun With Search Engines:

1. mario having sex with peach for free – Peach is a princess and therefore rich as fuck, so why would she charge money for sex? Besides, Mario has saved her ass so many times that it’s more or less implied that he gets to tap it for free.

2. are there fat samaons? – Are there any other kind?

3. fuck my christmas elf – I’m kind of at a loss here. Either this is a line from the campiest porno flick ever or the person who typed it was on crack. I’m fairly confident that it’s the latter option, but I rather hope that it’s the former. Seriously, if such a porno exists, please let me know.

4. dammit shit shit shit hell yes – Sorry, I’m not very good at identifying hip-hop songs by lyrics. Try Lyrics Crawler.

5. which level do we use the bottled faeries – It might help if you specified WHAT FUCKING GAME YOU WANTED HELP WITH. This sounds suspiciously like it’s a Neopets thing. Well you know what? Neopets is fucking gay. And now that MTV owns it, it’s just going to get worse.

6. babalities friendships and fatalities for mk2 – Try here.

7. kara borden porn – Searches for naked pics of Kara Beth Borden and Kristin Cavallari combined account for about 5% of my daily hits from search engines. That’s means there’s a lot of losers out there who are real fucking disappointed when they click through to my page. To all you perverts out there, I have three pieces of advice: First, don’t search for celebrity porn. The search engines results will rarely yield worthwhile pages and 90% of celebrity porn is fake anyway. Second, if you really want porn, learn to fucking use a P2P program. And finally, read my page. My page is way better than porn.

8. wwe sucks – Unfortunately, it really does. And it seems to keep getting worse. In recent months, we’ve seen the retirement of Chris Jericho, the death of Eddie Guerrero, and the loss of Christian. Mark my words, TNA is the future of wrestling. If they could get more TV time and better time slots, they could compete with the WWE on a serious level and force Vince McMahon to make his product worthwhile again.

9. toy batman begging – Batman doesn’t beg, motherfucker.

10. dexter’s lab hentai – You didn’t really think I’d get out of 2005 without at least one more hentai search… did you?

      Well, that it’s. Hopefully 2006 will be a better year for FWSE, a year where my site visitors search for world peace and Nintendo instead of preteens fucking. God how I wish I really believed that were possible.

      Kirby is not a role model. Please do not do anything that Kirby would do tonight. For example, don’t drink 51.2 times your body weight in alcohol; it’s a bad fucking idea. But if you do, don’t you dare fucking drive. This New Year’s Eve, try Columbia’s favorite alternative to alcohol: cocaine. It’s safe, fun, and not as expensive as you might think. Have a good one.

      Also, a new comic is up.

      Well, Christmas was five days ago and I’ve finally wandered out of the haze of gluttony and avarice that the holiday generally sends me into. So now, it’s time for Fun With Search Engines. But this isn’t just *any* old edition of FWSE, this is a special holiday edition that covers the week leading up to Christmas, December 18th – December 24th. If you ever wondered what people search for in the days leading up to the birth of Christ, you’re about to find out. As always, these are all actual keywords that visitors to my site put into search engines:

1. frosty the snowman hentai – Tis the season, huh?

2. disney are you afraid of the dark – Yes, the fucking thumbsuckers who run Disney probably are afraid of the dark. But if by some chance you’re referring to the TV show Are You Afraid Of The Dark? then you should know that ran on Nickelodeon, not Disney.

3. christmas fuck suck greeting card – It may not surprise you to learn that this search came through Google Nederland. I like porn as much as the next guy, but if someone sent me an X-rated eGreeting, I’d be rather pissed. There’s a time and a place for shit like that, but you really can’t expect anyone in the Netherlands to grasp the concept of moderation. If there really is a God and He ever decides to bring Judgment Day down upon us, I’m pretty sure the first thing he’ll do is put Holland back underwater. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him.

4. old christmas santa claus c64 game – There were several and you can see them all in the Commodore Christmas Crapfest. However, Father Christmas is really the only one worth mentioning.

5. kara borden naked pics – Even on fucking Christmas Eve! GODDAMIT!

6. ted kennedy is sober – That’s libel. He could sue.

7. drunk driving psa face burned commercial – I once went off on a long angry rant about how much I fucking hate drunk driving PSAs. That shit is depressing as fuck and they run them on Comedy Central sometimes. What the fuck is that?

And I’m done. Tune in next week to see what people searched for on Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve. Maybe there won’t even be any hentai searches next time. Hey, I can dream, right?

      Well Christmas came and went faster than (insert a premature ejaculation joke about someone here). It happened so fast that I was unable to get my second Christmas article up before the big day. But uh, it’s done now. So if you’d like to read about The Animals’ Christmas Eve, now you can.

      On behalf of failed Catholic priest Joseph Stalin, dyslexia, and severe dementia, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas. Or if you’re into Hannukah, have yourself eight nights of total fucking awesomeness. After all, Stalin loves all religions equally.

      Well, I should probably be out getting my Christmas shopping done, but instead I’m bringing you another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For anyone as of yet unfamiliar with FWSE, it’s a weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into Yahoo, Google, and whatnot. This FWSE report is for the week of December 11th – December 17th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sabertooth tigers are they extinct – What the hell kind of a question is this? YES, THEY’RE FUCKING EXTINCT YOU FUCKING MORON!

2. heathcliff cartoon clip – How about four clips?

Heathcliff Intro
Heathcliff End Credits
Pet Tip – Fish
Pet Tip – Old Dogs

3. nude pics of victor krum – Harry Potter porn? That’s the grossest thing that I’ve heard in a long, long time. Excuse me while I go fucking puke.

4. nudalities in ultimate mk 3 – Thankfully do not exist. Do you really want to see Nightwolf, Sheeva, or Cyrax naked anyway? No, you don’t. If you do, you have some serious fucking issues.

5. kara borden photobucket pictures – Here.

6. wrestling poser wife OR housewife -sex – This search came through Google Greece, so we’ll probably never how well this person understood English or what the fuck they were searching for. But “Wrestling Poser Wife” sounds it could be a pop punk song. I nominate Bowling For Soup to write it.

7. samus kills master chief animated gif – If something like this actually exists, send it my way. I would pay good money to watch Samus murder that Halo retard.

This concludes my Fun With Search Engines report. If you would like to learn more about any of the topics that I’ve covered, check your local library. And now I’ve got to finish my fucking Christmas shopping.

      A new article is up on my favorite Christmas movies. But I decided to call it The Ten Best Christmas Movies Ever instead. Why? Cuz I’m an asshole, that’s why. Enjoy. Hopefully I’ll have another holiday article up for you before Christmas. Will it be about Kwanzaa? Fuck no. Get real.

      And I’m back once again with yet another edition of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report covers the week starting December 4th and ending December 10th. As always, these are all real searches…

1. mortal kombat kung lao toy – There are several Kung Lao action figures out there. Hell, there’s even a collector’s edition of Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks that comes with both Liu Kang and Kao Lung figures. But who cares? Until someone makes a Kung Lao figure with amazing hat-throwing action, what’s the point?

2. kara borden myspace profile pics – What’s this? Someone searching for information that might offer them insight into the lives of Kara Borden and David Ludwig instead of porn? Well, here’s an archive of mirrors that you might find helpful.

3. nude photos of kara beth borden and david ludwig – DAMMIT!

4. see videos of mario peach fucking each other for free – For free? Fuck you. Gimme 20 blue coins and a couple of shine sprites, then we’ll talk.

5. describe the heathcliff’s appearance and character – Except for that bizarrely placed article, I would assume that you’re supposed to be reading Wuthering Heights, but you’re too lazy to actually do so. And if Wuthering Heights wasn’t the worst fucking book ever written, I’d be inclined to chastise you.

6. shawn wayans has personal philosophy – I know he’s not exactly the smartest guy who ever lived, but of course he has a personal philosophy. News flash: EVERYONE has a personal philosophy. Shawn’s philosophy is this: make cheap, shitty movies that are commercially successful in urban areas and make millions of dollars in the process.

7. teamwork in pop culture – What the fuck kind of a search is this? I mean, come on. Teamwork is everywhere in pop culture: Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga, The Fellowship of the Ring, Tango & Cash, the list goes on. But the best example of teamwork in pop culture is The Smurfs. Those blue little commie bastards were all about sharing and shit. But hey, they were still slightly less gay than The Littl’ Bits, The Care Bears and The Snorks.

And we’re done. A new article will be up by Sunday, but hopefully a little sooner. Until then, there’s always the forums.