Welcome to another edition of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed in search engines. As always, these are all real searchs. This FWSE report is for the week starting 10/30/05 and ending 11/05/05.

1. 3 dominatrixes is at least two too many. Plus it’s expensive. Instead of hiring three chicks with whips to bring you pleasure through pain, why not hire one chick to flog you with a cat o’ nine tails instead? You have to think economically.

2. mortal kombat/fatality – If you’re using slashes in your search queries, you’re doing something wrong. Well, unless you’re looking for information on Guns N’ Roses, Slash’s Bluesball, Slash’s Snakepit, or Velvet Revolver. You weren’t, so you suck.

3. fucking soaring – Apparently, My Whomp ‘Em article is currently the #1 result for this search on Google. This particular search came through Google France and fuck if I know why some Frenchy would search for fucking soaring unless he or she was snorting blow with an American friend.

4. could stallone beat the shit out of arnold? – Hell no. And he probably wouldn’t ever try, because they’re friends. But when I typed in this search myself, I found this: The Arnold Dreams Database. It’s interesting to say the least.

5. Monster Part NES Bosses – I can still remember what a huge fucking struggle it was to get Google to even notice my site existed. And now, SydLexia.com articles can be found on Google a few days after they go up on my site. It’s not quite as fast as MSN, but it’s better than Yahoo.

6. Mega Man 5 weakness of Master Robots – It sincerely irritates me that there are people out there who play video games and haven’t fucking heard of GameFAQs. It also irritates me that people look the shit up. Half of the fun is figuring out the weaknesses ON YOUR OWN. Christ.

7. mixing uppers and downers – Seriously? It’s a good idea, do it. As many of them as you can at once.

DISCLAIMER: SydLexia.com is a not a health site and no medical advice we offer should be considered valid.

And on that note, I’m done. If my lawyer calls, I’m not answering.

      It’s that time again. The time when I realize, to my horror, that’s it’s Friday and I still haven’t posted a Fun With Search Engines report for the last week. As so here it is, the FWSE that covers 10/23/05 through 10/29/05. In case you’ve forgotten, Fun WIth Search Engines is a recurring segment where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Let’s see how it goes:

1. do you have what it takes to rescue the president hes been kidnapped by ninjas – Sadly, I don’t. If I did, I obviously go for it because rescuing the president pretty much automatically gets you a Presidential Medal of Honor and I could score mad chicks with that. Mad chicks.

2. you can’t do that one television – Yeah, you’ve gotta fuck at least two televisions. And if you don’t, bad things are gonna happen. Like in Videodrome.

3. worst nintendo tattoo ever – As one of the biggest proponents of Nintendo that you will ever meet, I feel highly qualified to answer this question. What’s the worst Nintendo tattoo ever? ALL OF THEM, YOU STUPID FUCK!

4. quiz and dragons questions – I don’t think I ever expected to get a QAD-related search. But that’s cool.

5. fire flame man and freeze guy – Hey guy, next time you do a web search, you should trying being a little LESS specific. Readers, see if you can guess which one of my articles came up as a result of this search. HINT: It’s the Mega Man one.

6. bombman hudson – Hudson made BombERman. There’s a difference. Bombman was actually a boss from Capcom’s first Mega Man game. But let’s focus on the Hudson character for a minute:
 

      On the left, you see Bomberman as he appeared on the cover of the booklet for his NES game. On the right is Bomberman as he appeared in Bomberman 64. The original Bomberman design looks suspiciously like Samus Aran. Or perhaps Hudson travelled into the future and ripped off Halo’s Master Chief. The second option seems like a stretch though. Not because time travel is impossible, mind you, but because Master Chief isn’t worth ripping off. Personally, I like the new Bomberman design better. Sure, he pulls weapons of mass destruction out of his ass, but he’s just *so* adorable. Just look at him. You know damn well that even if he killed your entire family, you couldn’t stay mad at him.

7. princess peach porn – I have an alliteration fetish, so I’d love to see some Princes Peach porn. I’d also like to see rappers rudely rape Rapunzel rectally and sexy Swedish sluts suck seven studs’ semen. Or not.

Well, that was fairly stupid. But now it’s over. Rejoice.

      It’s time yet again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I reveal some of the keywords that visitors to this site typed into search engines. This edition of FWSE covers the week starting 10/16/05 and ending 10/22/05. As always, these are in fact real searches and not just some bullshit that I made up.

1. make a livejournal color bar – These things aren’t just stupid, they’re also stupidly easy to make. If you can’t figure out how to make your fucking “John Mayer Is Love” color bar all by yourself, you don’t deserve the pleasure of wallowing in its utter retardness. Go fuck yourself.

2. super mario allstars rom – Fuck that shit. Play the original versions.

3. failed sodas – Aside from Rock Hudson’s Semen-o-rama, I can’t really think of any.

4. batman theme bedrooms – Sadly, I never had Batman sheets. I did have Masters of the Universe sheets at one point though. Those were pretty awesome. If I could get my hands on some old school Batman sheets, I’d use them in a second. But none of this Batman Begins shit because sleeping with Christian Bale is totally gay.

5. jessica simpsons farts – I hate farts, but I really fucking hate fart jokes. And I hate FWSE for making me use the word fart four times in close proximity of each other.

6. how to use tonfa – Step 1: Place the tonfa in your hands. Step 2: Hit people with them. Repeat Step 2 as necessary.

7. bubble bobble costume – You know, Bubble Bobble kicked at least sixteen specific types of ass. So for a second there, I considered the possibility that a Bub or Bob costume might be cool. Then I realized something: IT WOULDN’T. I don’t care how dorky your friends are, because if you go to a costume party dressed as a Bubble Bobble character, you’re gonna get your ass beat. Even if said party has a video game theme. In that case, you’re gonna get your ass beat by Rastan and Eddy Gordo.

      That’s enough stupidity for this week. Tune in next week for FWSE #40: Nothing But Kristin Cavallari. Peace out.

      So I’m back once again with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For those as of yet uninitiated, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly report where I chronicle various keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. These keywords generally range from stupid to boring to porn to illegal porn. This FWSE report is for the week beginning October 9th and ending October 15th. As always, these are all real searches. And by real, I mean that I didn’t make them up. I can’t guarantee that rowdy fans didn’t intentionally plant them.

1. wizards and warriors nes tips – Seeing as you get infinite continues, the only real tip you need is this: don’t give up.

2. ryu spinning kick sounds weird – Compared to what?

3. post short skirts japanese schoolgirls – Did you really need specify short skirts? Have you ever seen Japanese schoolgirls in any other type of skirts? I mean really. There’s always at least a foot of space between the knee and skirt.

4. duck and longevity – What the fuck? No wait, nevermind. I don’t care.

5. download wwf randy savage theme song – You’re kidding, right? As most non-retards who have heard Randy Savage’s entrance music know, the song is called Pomp And Circumstance. They fucking play it every high school graduation ceremony and there’s probably about 1,000 places where you could download it. But not here, so fuck off.

6. clouds that throw koopas in Super Mario – You’re either playing a hack or you don’t know shit about Mario. There are no clouds that throw koopas. There is however, Lakitu, an evil son of a bitch who flies around in a magic cloud throwing Spinies at Mario. Below you can see what Lakitu looked like in SMB1. He’s evolved over the years as graphic capabilities have gotten better, but the basic design is still the same.

7. nintendo zelda tips – Ooh, sorry. This site only hosts tips for Wand of Gamelon, the Zelda game for the Phillips CD-i machine.

So that’s that. If that didn’t entertain you, the latest comic probably won’t either. Read it anyway.

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting October 2nd and ending October 8th. As always, I have not made any of these up. There’s no NEED to make them up because humans are awful.

1. mario bros fuck princess peach porn – First of all, no! Bad! Secondly, only Mario gets to bone Princess Peach. Luigi is a total scrub and there’s no way Mario would let him get in on some Eiffel Tower action.

2. horrible shit – Sorry, my site’s content is only mildly offensive. If you’re looking for the Death By Bukkake Rape-a-thon, look elsewhere.

3. public fucked – While I’m sure it has no shortage of nooks and crannies into which one could stuff his dick, you can’t really fuck Publix because a supermarket is an inanimate object.

4. free kitana hentai mileena – I’m sick of talking about hentai, so here’s an unreasonably childish diatribe about why Ted Kennedy is worse than Hitler instead.

5. what does conor obrest do in his spare time? – Your mom. And then he totally brags about it to God.

6. can you make heroin from standard sugar? I forget – This is almost definitely a plant, but it’s still hilarious.

7. is stephen coletti dead – Of course not. Here something I’ve learned: don’t wish death upon celebrities because it always backfires. No one who deserves to die ever does… it always ends up being Cliff Burton, Princess Di, or Brandon Lee instead of Rosie O’Donnell.

And we’re done. Oh, and Part 21 of The NES Drinking Saga is up.

      So I’m back with Episode 36 of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I chronicle some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This edition of FWSE covers the week starting September 25th and ending October 1st. As always, these are all real search queries. But you’ve probably heard that all before….

1. amy rose hentai adventure – There’s certainly no shortage of Sonic hentai out there, but the only way I’d pay to see it is if someone drew Amy Rose being skullfucked by Axl Rose.

2. the head rip fatality – I guess someone’s been watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin, huh? “I’m ripping your head off right now. It’s off, and now I’m throwing it at your body. Fuck you!”

3. kristin cavalleri naked – I know this is hardly a new addition to FWSE, but I get this shit every fucking day. Why can’t more people search for Revolution X or Salute Your Shorts? Damn the vast English-speaking internet community… damn them to hell!

4. World Class Track Meet NES Manuals – You don’t fucking need a manual, you dipshit. Here’s the instructions for World Class Track Meet: “Run. Run like the fucking cops are after you. If you see a hurdle, jump over it. If you’re in the long jump or the triple jump, just fucking jump already.” That’s it. That’s all you need to know about the damn game.

5. frosty the snowman your commodore – What an oddly specific and out of season request. But hey, it’s better than another hentai request. Besides, the Commodore Christmas Crapfest was good times. I already have my next big Christmas article planned, but you’re gonna have to wait two more months to see it.

6. whomp em dragonball – Someone actually searched for Whomp ‘Em? How psyched am I? Not only that, but if all eleven people in the world who are interested in finding the link between Dragon Ball and Whomp ‘Em use Google, they’ll find my page. Sweet for me… I guess.

7. naked pictures of shelby woo in the scorpion king – Cybersst refused to take credit for this one, so I am left with only one logical conclusion: someone, somewhere is on crack.

      And that’s how we kick it. Come back next week when I’ll make fun of people searching for Wind Waker hentai and Earthworm Jim hentai.

      So I am back once again with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. This, the 35th episode, will cover the week from September 18th – 24th. For readers unfamiliar with FWSE, it is a weekly report where I review some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. What, you thought that information was private? Fuck no! So if your IP is 69.33.233.130, I’d just like everyone to know that you were searching for Blaze Fielding hentai, you fucking jackass. And now, on with the show:

1. the real rob zombie – The “real” Rob Zombie, what the fuck does that mean? He’s not Eminem, motherfucker.

2. prehistoric cavemen – Isn’t this phrase sort of redundant? There are no posthistoric cavemen, are there? Ted Nugent does *not* count.

3. 20 best nes games – Well, here’s the exact opposite of that. So if you want to play one of the absolute best NES games out there, you simply have to figure out what game is the total opposite of Friday the 13th. Sunday Funday, maybe? Wait, that’s not any good either.

4. hey hey ho lyrics – That could be anything, you stupid fuck. There’s only about A BILLION FUCKING SONGS that use hey and ho as lyrics, the most famous one being The Ramones’ Blitzkrieg Bop. Hey! Ho! Let’s move on!

5. dominatrixes in massachusetts – Dear God… I had blocked this search out my head after FWSE #17 and now it’s back. Fan-fucking-tastic!

6. longest video on mtv – The longest video ever to run on MTV is called “Total Shit”. It started running sometime before the year 2000 and it hasn’t ended yet.

7. mortal kombat whomp ‘em – Hmmm… A Soaring Eagle/Nightwolf comparison might be a worthwhile endeavor, but I’m not up for it right now.

      Well, that’s that. See you next week, unless I don’t.

      That’s right, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. Unlike other recent editions of FWSE, this one isn’t coming to you a week or more after the primary data was collected. So that’s nice, right? For anyone currently unaware of Fun With Search Engines, it’s a weekly SydLexia.com where I review some of the keywords that visitors to this site typed into search engines such as Google and Yahoo. This report is for the week starting 9/11/05 and ending 9/17/05. As always, these are all real searches; I have not made them up.

1. kristin cavalleri naked – Maybe someday. That is the only proper use for her.

2. tmnt iv movie – Dear Christ, please no. TMNT3 was really, really not good. I don’t know where they could possibly go for IV and I don’t want to see Ninja Turtles doing stuff that doesn’t involve living in sewers and fighting Shredder ever again. Anyway, the heroes on the halfshell aren’t popular enough that they’d do another live action movie. If there was a feature length TMNT adventure, it would be a direct-to-video animated movie based on the more recent series.

3. mario fucking peach for 1 up – Yes, yes, we’ve all seen it. Har dee fucking har. I wouldn’t even really call that fucking, it’s more like dry humping.

4. preteens fucking preteens – As if this search wasn’t vile enough on its own, it came on September 11th. That’s right, when most people were remembering one of the worst terrorist attacks in history, some asshole was looking for highly illegal and disgusting porn. If you’re out reading this, you goddam son of a bitch, I want you to consider this: the crazed Islam fundamentalists who attacked America on 09/11/01 find Britney Spears videos to be inappropriate to the point of vulgarity. Can you even begin to imagine what they’d do if they got their hands on YOU?

5. jill valentine hentai – Much like Phoebe Cates in Gremlins, Jill Valentine does not have time to get nude and lewd because she’s too busy running for her life. Also, she has to conserve ammo. I don’t know how that’s relevant to what I was just talking about, but it’s true nonetheless.

6. elecman hitler – Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks that Elecman is giving the ol’ Seig Heil.

 
7. how to gemini man – Let’s pretend for a minute that Gemini Man is a verb. OK, I can solve this problem. In order to properly Gemini Man, one must split himself into two copies, one real and one fake, and then run around like a fucking retard until someone kills you with Search Snakes.

      FWSE #34 has ended, so the time has come again for us to say goodbye. Tune in next week when Fun With Search Engines might suck just a little less. In the meantime, here’s a comic.

      Before I start with Fun With Search Engines, I have two quick news updates:

      A new comic went up Friday. Those of you on MySpace may already be aware of this.

      The Whomp ‘Em article that went up last week is actually finished now: captions, conclusions, everything. Well, except for the proofreading part.

      And now, without further delay, welcome to the 33rd installment of Fun With Search Engines. For anyone reading this who is as of yet unfamiliar with FWSE, it is a weekly report that I do where I review some of keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This report is for the week starting September 4th and ending September 10th. As always, none of these keywords have been faked. And now, it’s go time:

1. kristin cavalleri – Despite there being absolutely NO CONTENT involving her on the site, Kristin Cavallari has become one of my most popular search terms. I feel kinda bad for the fucking retards who come here looking for information on Kristin Cavallari only to find that there is, in fact, no information on Kristin Cavallari to be found here. I feel like the witch from Hansel and Gretel, luring unsuspecting teenage girls to my website made of gingerbread. Only when the girls get here, there’s no gingerbread and no Kristin Cavallari, and then I eat them. And no, not in the way that they might enjoy.

2. wizards and warriors sprites nes – What a silly internet user. I researched this extensively, and Sprite never did a promotion involving Wizards & Warriors or any other Nintendo game. That’s not particularly surprising though, because, like, how could you even ATTEMPT to fit an NES cartridge into a Sprite can?

3. skinnamarink motions – Make up your own, no one will ever know the difference. But the one key movement that I remember from it is when you make an ‘L’ with your hands by resting your elbow in the palm of your other hand.

4. unsafe nickelodeon’s – Unless this person was referring to the Nickelodeon Moon Shoes, I have no idea what the fuck this means.

5. hulk hogan’s wife – is kind of annoying. She came off as a total bitch in that episode of Hogan Knows Best where they found out they had more pets than the town allowed.

6. gifs snk index php – That ain’t no way to search, son. That ain’t no way to search.

a boy and his blob plot – OK, here: an albino blob with the unfortunately cheesy name of Blobert who leaves his home planet of Blobonia in hopes of finding someone who can supply him with the weapons necessary to overthrow the planet’s evil emperor. He comes to Earth where he meets a young Nicolas Cage who just begun dealing both guns and jellybeans. Together Blobert and the Lord of War

      Welcome to a very special double episode of Fun With Search Engines. And what makes it special? How about the fact that I’m a lazy ass and I skipped a week. So this edition of FWSE will cover from the two weeks between August 21st and September 3rd. For anyone just joining us, FWSE is a (usually) weekly feature where I review some of the queries that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Some of them are funny, some of them are weird, and some of them are both. Some of them are also very mundane. I try and pick out some of the best ones to share, but going through hundreds of search engines queries takes forever, so that doesn’t always happen. Anyway, let’s go. Are you excited? I’m excited.

1. mousetrap game example unnecessarily complicated machine – It’s an example of a Rube Goldberg device. Other famous examples include Doc Brown’s dog-feeding machine from Back To The Future or Pee Wee’s breakfast machine from Peewee’s Big Adventure. There was probably also at least one Rube Goldberg device in Chairman of the Bored, but fuck you if you think I’m gonna watch it again to confirm.

2. japanese schoolgirls like candy – NEWS FLASH: Everyone fucking likes candy. Even diabetics, that’s why so many of them die. And if anime is any indication of the truth, then Japanese schoolgirls like many other things besides candy. Like getting penetrated in every orifice at once with candy. And that’s why I hate the Japanese; they can take two awesome things (candy, hot girls in short skirts) and turn it into a scary ball of awfulness.

3. hulk yell low – Maybe I’m mistaken to think this, but when I see those words, I think of famed wrestler Hulk Hogan whose tradmark colors were red and YELLOW. If so, that is the absolute saddest attempt to spell yellow since Coca-Cola’s Mountain Dew rip-off

4. cleaning 8 bit games – Back in the day, the classic method for cleaning games was blowing into the cartridge. This is actually bad for them and Nintendo later warned against it in N64 instruction manuals. The correct method for cleaning cartridges involves Q-Tips and rubbing alcohol. Or you can buy the official NES cleaning kit which is just a more expensive version of the method above. So uh, don’t buy it.

5. samus aran hentai – How would tell be able to tell it was Samus if she wasn’t wearing her trademark suit? You know, the one that covers all her naughty bulbous areas?

6. scientology sucks – I agree (with apologies to Tom Cruise and John Travolta).

7. moonwalker is a video game – False! I mean true! It’s true! Fuck, I always get this question wrong.

8. emo band names – It amuses me that a random joke that has very little to do with the site is now scoring me some hits.

9. make a ninja mask not from a t shirt – Uh, WHAT!? I was unaware that you make t-shirts into ninja masks at all. Apparently you can and this search query seems to imply that it is such a predominat source of ninja masks that one needs to specifically search for ninja masks NOT made from them. I’m scared and confused by this search. No wait, I’m largely apathetic to it.

10. strawberries smell – Lots of things smell, you dumbass.

      And I’m done with this. Tune in next week when I just might smash my keyboard in disgust. If that happens, expect pictures and a PayPal link to follow.

      First of all, Part 18 of the NES Drinking Saga is up on the Comics page. Secondly, it’s time for your weekly dosage of FWSE. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. This report spans the week of August 14 – August 20. Let’s begin:

1. i hate nes battletoads – The game is frustratingly hard, yes. But it always kept you coming back for more.

2. who did the evil laugh on michael jackson thriller – That would be Vincent Price. Maybe you ought to familiarize yourself with allmusic.com, one of the best online music resources there is. That, or you could have bought the album and looked at the goddam liner notes. Say what you will about Wacko Jacko, but Thriller fucking kicks ass.

3. kristen cavalleri college decision – Why, are you stalking her? Are you going to pick what college you go to based on what Kristin picks? Or is your life just so sad that you genuinely care where some reality star goes to school? Either way, you should probably kill yourself. NOW.

4. mtv destroyed the music industry – The only thing that MTV destroyed was itself. MTV’s lack of music-related programming as well as their heavily playlisted video shows have rendered them almost obsolete within the music industry. With the rise of internet sites like MySpace, bands are able to find potential fans and music lovers are able to find new bands that might interest them; MTV has falled to the wayside. MTV was a good idea, but they totally sold out after grunge self-destructed in the mid-90s. Bring back all videos all the time and fuck the reality shit.

5. how come wwe programs sucks these days – Because over the last several years Vince decided to hire a bunch of Hollywood writers who know a hell of lot more about sitcoms than they do about wrestling. A lot more time is spent developing storylines and onscreen personalities than is spent planning matches that are actually entertaining to watch. The only truly worthwhile thing the WWE has produced in recent memory is the ECW One Night Stand PPV.

6. arnold cumming gym – Fucking gross, dude. That was totally uncalled for.

7. fight his geriatric father – I have no idea what this person was looking for, but when you search for those words as a string, my Street Fighter article is the only result. Score!

And we’re done. Go away. Then come back. Later.

      The forums that I promised a few weeks ago are almost done. Once I make a few more stylistic modifications, I’ll link to them. You might even find them before that if you’re somewhat clever. But in the meantime, let’s recap the week starting August 7 and ending August 13 in typical FWSE style. As always, FWSE chronicles real queries that visitors to my site typed into respectable search engines. The showcased searches generally range from stupid to oh-my-god-how-can-anyone-with-a-computer-possibly-be that-fucking-stupid, but I’ve been know to throw in a few intelligible queries from time to time. Got it? Now let’s see those keywords!

1. hot ninja chick kiss explode mortal kombat – If you’ve played anywhere near as many video games as I have, then you know that this search refers to a classic Kitana fatality. But the reason that I brought up these keywords is because I offer a pay service called Naming Your Emo Band and Hot Ninja Chick Kiss Explode is a prime example of a good emo band name. At the very least, it’s better than The Early November.

2. streets of rage 2 game – Including the word game in this search was a masterful stroke indeed. Without game, you might have gotten results for the Streets of Rage 2: The Movie, not to mention the Streets of Rage Series 2 pogs and all fifteen graphic novels that were based on the game. There are so very, very many products that bear the Streets of Rage 2 name that it was downright necessary to include game in the search in order to find info on the Sega game. Well done. </sarcasm>

3. fairly oddparents hentai – Let’s assume for a minute that this were indeed a cartoon pr0n site. Even if this were the case, I still wouldn’t fucking stock pics of midgets with big heads and floaty crowns fucking. That’s disgusting on about seventy-two distinct levels. The only thing that would be more disgusting would be Dexter’s Lab or Powerpuff Girls hentai.

4. kristin cavalleri – My highly patronizing and highly inaccurate Laguna Beach transcript is already paying off… SUCKERS!!!

5. jenny lewis salute your shorts – No, no, no. Let’s clear up a few things here once and for all. Take notes, because I probably won’t repeat any of this for at least a month or two:

1. Jenny Lewis was never on Salute Your Shorts
2. Donkeylips (Michael Bower) is not a member of Rilo Kiley
3. Budnick (Danny Cooksey) is not a member of Rilo Kiley
4. Ronnie Pinskey (Blake Soper) *is* in Rilo Kiley. He now goes by Blake Sennett.
5. Jenny Lewis was in The Wizard with Fred Savage.
6. Jenny Lewis is in Rilo Kiley.
7. Rilo Kiley is still together.

6. drinking warm soda – SydLexia.com endorses drinking warm soda. However, Syd Lexia personally recommends that the soda in question isn’t twenty years old.

7. show clips about mario take off his shirt and his pants and let princess peach suck his penis – That’s it.
That’s enough. I quit. I fucking quit. Game over. FWSE over. Go away.

 
IS THIS THE END OF FWSE? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!

      So almost the end of the week and there’s still not an FWSE report up for *last* week. You probably think lazy ol’ Syd has forgotten about it, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong, because you just happen to be reading the Fun With Search Engines report for July 31st – August 6th. Who’s the asshole now? Oh wait, it’s still me. As always, these are real searches that visitors to my site typed into search engines. I don’t know who should be more embarrassed, me or them. Let’s get this over with:

1. gay bodybuilders can’t fight – My first inclination is that this query is a plant, but I can’t prove it. I don’t know why the fuck someone would look this up; everyone knows gay bodybuilders can’t fight.

2. streets of rage interesting – Most people don’t realize that if you include the word interesting in your search query, the engine will automatically filter out boring results. Of course, the reason most people don’t realize it is because I just made it up.

3. waler oct cobra pooter – At first, I thought this was German. As it turns out, they’re enemies from Hudson’s Adventure Island. I must be slipping. If I ever forget what a Goomba or a Koopa is, feel free to shoot me in the face.

4. you should not drink and bake – It’s true, and you can thank Mr. Schwarzenegger for that lovely piece of advice. Arnold knows his shit; that’s why he’s governor of California.

5. princess peach porn – Sometimes I wish I really did run a video game hentai site. Nerds everywhere are chomping at the bit to see naked pics of Princess Peach, Samus Aran, Jill Valentine, and Chun Li, so I could make an assload of money.

6. donkey lips – His fucking name is Donkeylips, you stupid fuck. Read the goddam Salute Your Shorts article and educate yourself.

7. worst nes games – The Worst NES Games That People Actually Played is easily one of my favorite articles that I’ve done to date. I am very surprised at the complete and total lack of hate mail that I’ve received over this article. Somewhere out there’s got to be at least one Skate or Die fan plotting my demise.

Well, that it’s for now. If any of you are on that super trendy MySpace site, feel free to add Syd Lexia to your friends list. Or don’t. Whatever.

      Well, the forums still aren’t up and the latest article still isn’t quite done, but I’m back with yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. As always, these are real queries that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report covers the week starting 7/24 and ending 7/30.
 
1. poison 80s rock band – Dear God, I seem to have stumbled upon a secret internet plot to kill Night Ranger with cyanide pills. FUCK! That, or this person was searching for information on an actual 80s rock band called Poison who kicked all kinds of ass. Personally, I think the cyanide plot is more plausible.

2. ninja costume pattern how to – What the fuck? How goddam hard is it to make a ninja costume? Buy a black sheet. Wrap yourself in it. Abraca-fucking-dabra, you’re a ninja.

3. who can beat ryu – Anyone, if you’re good enough. Ken and Akuma are both much cooler anyway.

4. ninja boss giant jump throw – Again with the goddam ninjas. You know, before the internet existed, ninjas were cool. Now inbred retards who can barely string together a sentence throw around the word ninja like it’s a frisbee in the campus quad.

5. moonwalker michael sega penis – To the best of my knowledge, Sega has never made a game with cock in it aside from Amy Rose Hentai Adventure Plus. And since I just made that last one up, that brings the grand total of X-rated Sega games to ZERO. However, I think Sega Penis is my new favorite phrase.

6. transcripts laguna beach mtv – Since this search came up again, I’ve decided to provide a complete transcript of the entire series. Enjoy.

    Lauren Conrad: I hope watching my life makes you feel bad about your own pathetic existence!
    Kristin Cavallari: I am retarded and one-dimensional.
    Stephen Coletti: Let’s go skinnydipping, bitches!
 
7. prepubescent boy pictures – No. NO. NO! DIE.

And that’s how we do it. Tune in next week.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search engines, the recurring SydLexia.com site report where I do a rundown of some of the keywords that site visitors typed into various search engines. None of these, no matter how stupid or bizarre they may seem, have been faked by me; I have *slightly* better things to do with my time. This FWSE report covers the week starting 7/17 and ending 7/23. Enjoy!

1. drinking old soda – Drinking old soda is a lot like teenage suicide. (Don’t do it!)

2. the real super mario bros three – Nice try, but Super Mario Bros. 2 is the only Mario game to have significantly different releases in the US and Japan. There is but one game called Super Mario Bros. 3 and Muhammad is its prophet. Or something like that.

3. turn them into a baby – That’s not a complete sentence or even complete thought. Turn WHO into a baby? I want to know. I hope this isn’t part of some stupid Wiccan incantation or some shit like that. I fucking hate Wiccans.

4. sydlexia dissect – Is that a threat? IS THAT A FUCKING THREAT!? Don’t mess with me, junior. I will kick your ass so hard that it flies up through your stomach into your head and explodes. Then you’ll be dead & smelly and no one will go to your funeral. Ha.

5. will kids incorporated ever be released on dvd? – With any luck, no. There are much better things can and should be released on DVD instead. Things that people like me would actually buy. Things like The State. Things like The Monster Squad.

6. best music videos ever – Maybe someday I’ll do that list, but it probably won’t be anytime soon. Until then, you’ll have to find someone else to tell you what’s cool and what isn’t. Or you could think for yourself. Just a thought.

7. did disturbed do a song about metroid – No. Some jackass using the pseudonymn Disturbed did a cover of the Kraid theme from the original NES Metroid game. It’s a decent track, but the fucker either didn’t realize that there’s a popular rock band called Disturbed or he hoped the confusion caused by using the same name would garner him additional attention. I guess it has. Perhaps the real Disturbed will turn up the soundtrack for next year’s Metroid movie. Of course, Nine Inch Nails would be a much better choice because Trent Reznor is better at atmospheric music and he’s a fan of the franchise.
 
 
That’s all. Go back to your homes.

      It’s finally time for another edition of Fun With Search Engines. Apparently it’s been two weeks since the last FWSE and another two weeks since the once before that. That’s inexcusable. Fun With Search Engines is supposed to be a weekly enterprise and I’ve let time get away from me. For anyone who doesn’t know, FWSE is a (usually) weekly analysis of various queries that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re not, but they are all 100% real. This FWSE report covers the two week period starting on July 3rd and ending on July 16th. Enjoy.

1. bandai sucks – Yes, they do. I’m glad someone else gets it. Bandai sucks at almost everything they do and yet they somehow manage to subsist. The only logical explanation is that totalitarian governments that shun the free market are forcing their citizens to buy Bandai games and toys. Someone better get Geraldo Rivera on the case.

2. old wwf divas – Unless you’re a sick fuck and you’re talking about Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah, there’s no such thing as old WWF divas. The WWE Diva Search is just an excuse to put pretty but talentless whores on your TV screen. In the olden days, the women in the WWF were all either managers, valets, or wrestlers, and they had storylines. When was the last time you saw Christy Hemme do anything other than act like a stupid whore? How about NEVER?

3. sly cooper hentai – This stupidass search string keeps coming up. And by mocking it, I’m only going to ensure that it keeps coming up. The internet was not created so that you could find something to whack off to, especially something as sad as video game porn; that’s what P2P is for. Now fuck off.

4. opening theme – TO WHAT? I have absolutely no patience for ambiguity.

5. christy hemme sucks – Wow, it’s like my own personal Christmas. First someone else who hates Bandai found my site then someone else who hates Christy Hemme found my site. Hating stuff is awesome.

6. hulk hogan’s the me am a real american lyrics american guy – This brings me to my next point: DON’T SMOKE CRACK. This message has been brought to you by your local Street Fighter II cabinet.

 
 
7. jennifer wilbanks bitch – Once again, I totally agree.

8. laguna beach tv show transcripts – If there ever comes a time when transcripts of crappy reality shows based on fashionable teen dramas are available for your reading pleasure, I’m pretty sure that’s when Jesus will return to Earth for the final judgment. When that happens, it’s a pretty safe bet that I’m going to purgatory.

9. sub zero fucking sindel – Why Sub-Zero fucking Sindel? Why not Scorpion fucking Sindel or Liu Kang fucking Kitana? You have no right to demand such oddly specific MK porn. Your unmitigated gall sickens me.

10. stare at an eclipse while screaming at it – That’s how my dad met my mom. True story. But seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

11. meatloaf’s real name – Meatloaf’s real name is Marvin Lee Aday. You might remember him from movies such as Spice World and Americathon. At least, you would if you wasted precious moments of your life watching second-rate movies that the mainstream has long since forgotten about. Otherwise you’ll remember him as Bitch Tit Bob from Fight Club or for all those songs he did.

12. super mario physics – My brief comparison of SMB physics versus the physics of the real SMB2 probably it’s quite as in-depth as what this person was hoping to find. But maybe it was. Either way, it’s interesting.
 
 
      And with that, another FWSE has come to an end. I know it’s sad, but it is also the natural order of things. Until next time, I’m lazier than I wish I was.

      In my desperate rush to produce an article that still remains unfinished, I somehow missed an FWSE. As a result, this super edition of Fun With Search Engines will cover two weeks, starting with 6/19 and going up through 7/02. If you’re unfamiliar with FWSE, here’s how it works. Every week I review my site logs and see what sort of keywords people who found my site through search engines used. Then I list whichever ones strike my fancy and comment on them, which usually means I degrade some idiot who was searching for hentai, MTV’s Boiling Points, or something equally retarded. So once again, these are all actual searches that visitors to my site typed into search engines; I am not making this shit up. Dig it? Then let’s begin.

1. legend of zelda tips – Aside from a FAQ that tells you the location of that last fucking heart container that you just can’t seem to find or a dungeon location in the second quest, what possible help could anyone need with original The Legend of Zelda game? None, unless you’re functionally retarded. If that’s the case, here are my Top Secret Legend of Zelda Tips.

2. plumber fucking video game – Pass.

3. streets of rage – There’s nothing funny about this search, but it does give me the opportunity to talk about how fucking pissed I am at Sega of America right now. In August, Sega will be releasing an old school gaming collection for the Gamecube called Sonic Gems that includes some of the more obscure Sonic titles like Sonic CD and Sonic R. The Japanese version of the game will include ALL THREE STREETS OF RAGE. When I first heard about this, I was pretty friggin’ psyched. Sadly it has since been reported that the limp-wristed morons at Sega of America were worried about getting a teen rating so they replaced the three Streets of Rage games with both Vectorman games. Not only are North Americans getting a worse series, we’re also getting one less game. This pisses me off for several reasons. First of all, Streets of Rage isn’t particularly violent and Sega probably could have pushed for an E10+ rating if they had been so inclined. Secondly, WHO FUCKING CARES IF THE GODDAM GAME WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A TEEN RATING? Maybe I’m missing something here, but I don’t think six-year-olds are gonna line up to play Sonic CD. The game is damn fun, but the graphics are pretty dated and children are stupid, fickle bastards. Sonic Mega Collection already gave us all the essential games, the ones that most people want to play. A collection like Sonic Gems appeals to nostalgists, retro gamers, and Sega’s hardcore fanbase. And guess what? NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE UNDER THIRTEEN. I’m mad as hell about this but I’m not surprised. Sega is notorious for making bad business decisions. When will those assholes learn? Will it be soon?

4. bowser fucks princess peach – Well, in Super Mario Sunshine, Bowser did claim that Princess Peach was Bowser Junior’s mother. He was lying, of course. I wanna know what happened to the Koopa Kids, they were infinitely better than Bowser Junior.

5. is it bad to put magnets on your computer tower – No, by all means go ahead. Although magnets have been known to ruin monitors and floppy disks, if you stick one on the side of your computer, it will actually make your processor go faster. Magnetic fields have also been known to retrieve documents that you forgot to save as well as protect you from all known computer viruses. Hell, you really can’t afford NOT to put magnets on your computer tower.

6. michael jackson baby rape game – Even bad taste has its limits. DIE.

7. every show that’s ever been on nickelodeon – I know I can fucking do this. Let’s see… there was Cousin Skeeter, Guts, Don’t Just Sit There, Super Sloppy Double Dare, The Tomorrow People, Pinwheel, Today’s Special, The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, Count Duckula, Bananaman, Get the Picture, Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea, Hey Dude, The Monkees, Dennis the Menace, Lassie, Kablam!, The Fairly OddParents, and Roundhouse. There, that’s all of them. Oh wait, and Global Guts too. Do I win anything?

8. Is diet coke going to change the kind of sweetner used – I would hope that after the whole New Coke fiasco that Coca-Cola learned their fucking lesson about changing the formula in popular drinks. Splenda is fucking crap and if that shit somehow becomes the industry standard, I’ll go Rambo on someone’s ass.

9. pussy punch dirty fighter – I have no idea what in the hell someone would expect to find with a query like this, but it reminds me of Jack Black’s song from the Mr. Show movie, Run Ronnie Run.

10. she finishes him off – This is a really vague search and I have no way of ever knowing what the person was looking for, especially because it came through Google Italia. But since an estimated 75% of people on the internet are peverted retards, I’m gonna assume it had something to do with handjobs. Instead, my Mortal Kombat article came up and I got a hit that I didn’t really earn. Sweet for me, disappointing for masturbating Italians.

      I’m done with this. If you’re looking for something else to entertain you, Part XIII of the NES Drinking Saga is up. I’ll have some new articles up soon. They’re already way overdue and I apologize. I’ve been in a summer slump of laziness, but that’s *probably* going to change.

…and I’m back for Fun With Search Engines #24. In this very special half-assed edition, we’ll be taking a look at search queries from 6/12 through 6/18. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to SydLexia.com typed into search engines. FWSE should not be taken internally. If ingested, immediately flush your system with water and consult a physician or poison control.

1. pepsi blue failed – Yes it did. It even failed in Japan, where people love weird shit and bright colors, so that should give you an indication of just how badly it failed.

2. what does michael jacksons kids look like? – A better question is this: is our children learning? Clearly not, if this passes for grammar. Verb-noun agreementL learn it, love it, use it.

3. dragaon games – Every once in a while, FWSE helps me catch a typo. For example, Tip 10 in the NES Game Packs article was listed as “Double Dragaon”, which is pretty embarrassing. I could have just changed it and denied it ever happened, but I don’t do things that way.

4. blaze fielding from streets of rage is fucking hot – Yeah, I guess. I think someone’s had too much G4, where “too much” is defined as more than five minutes.

5. hulk hogan sucks – No, YOU suck.

6. antique potato head shoes – antique and potato head do not belong in the same sentence. Ever.

7. vincent price iron maiden – It never happened. The spoken intro to “The Number of the Beast” is just a reasonable facsimile therof.

And that’s that. I know that kinda sucked and I’m sorry. FWSE keeps getting harder and harder to do.

Yes, it is once again time for FWSE, a site feature which is always weird and sometimes entertaining, where I report on select keywords that actual visitors to the SydLexia.com typed into search engines. This report spotlights various keywords that were used between 6/5/05 and 6/11/05.

1. girls gone wild commercials uncut – Yeah, so Chris Elliot just called. He said you need to get a life. He also wants you to sign as many online petitions are you so that Get A Life gets released on DVD. Now regardless of whether or not you liked his TV show, I strongly suggest you take his first bit of advice.

2. cheap priced freddy claws – With a gardening glove, some skewers, a pair of pliers and some rudimentary sewing skills, you can make you very own Freddy claw for $20. Whether you want to terrorize your own Elm Street or just kill one particular douchebag, this is a fun and economical way to do. Besides, killing is always more fun when you made the weapon yourself. Just ask Teddy Kaczynski.

3. how to do brutalities in ultimate mortal kombat 3 arcade version – You can’t and why the fuck would you want to? Brutalities suck.

4. dead or alive xtreme beach volleyball porn – Fuck Dead Or Alive, fuck the DOA volleyball game, fuck softcore porn, fuck Tecmo, and fuck whoever searched for this.

5. birthday for mortal kombat character sub zero – As I stated once or twice in the past, it would seem that stoned idiots that type random shit into search engines account for the silent majority of the 300-500 hits that I’ve been averaging daily. I don’t understand why any rational person would care what a video game character’s exact age or DOB is. If you can’t estimate a character’s age by looking at him or her, then the programmers didn’t do a very good job making the game. Giving characters a fixed age is a bad idea, since characters rarely age and video games rarely take place in specific years; classic video game characters like Mario, Sonic, and Pac-Man are timeless. But if we know that Jill Valentine was X years old in 1999, that makes it awfully hard for Capcom to reuse her 20 or 30 years down the line. Besides, why would I ever give a fuck that Voldo from Soul Calibur is in his 50s? The only thing worse than making up DOBs for video game characters is giving them BLOOD TYPES. If you are honestly interested in whether or not Nina Williams could receive a successful transfusion from Jim Kazama, you really ought to kill yourself. I recommend vodka and painkillers. If it was good enough for the lovely Miss Elizabeth, it’s good enough for your stupid ass.

But going back to the subject of imaginary anniversaries, I hereby decree that December 11 shall henceforth be Sub-Zero’s Birthday (Observed). Also, October 20th is now officially Rex Manning Day.

6. michael jackson video gangsters – That’s sounds a lot like the “Smooth Criminal” segment from Moonwalker, not to mention every level of both Moonwalker video games.

7. hentai show iv warcraft 3 – I don’t know what this means and I have no intention of finding out. Sometimes innocence is bliss.

Well, that’s all for now. Who wants to bet that this week’s article will be late? Recent history and the Vegas bookies are on your side.

      Yes, it is time once again for Fun With Search Engines. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report covers the week starting May 29th and ending June 4th. Why do I do this report? I don’t know, but hopefully it will distract you while I finish proofreading the Caveman Ninja article and adding picture captions. So… are you distracted yet?

1. proof of michael jacksons weirdness – Is that hard to use an apostrophe? IS IT!? I swear to God, the internet has made people dumber. I was perusing UrbanDictionary.com the other day and it’s interesting to seeing how fifteen-year-olds with 1.8 GPAs think words are spelled. Their misguided attempts to define recently invented sexual positions would be hilarious if they weren’t so fucking pathetic. For example, one boy thought that the word disturbed was spelled desterbed. This wouldn’t be so bad, except there’s a fucking band called Disturbed who are pretty popular with the Hot Topic crowd. Even if all this douchebag listened to was 50 Cent and Ludacris, it’s a safe bet that he’s seen Disturbed shirts on multiple occasions. Hey asshole, maybe if you learned to read, you’d eventually learn how to spell too. In any case, I shouldn’t be complaining about the lack of apostrophes; I am currently in the top five results on MSN, Yahoo, and Google for “proof of michael jacksons weirdness”. Too bad it’s not a popular search term.

2. arcade game where you can cut off players arms with chainsaw – Again with the apostrophe. In any case, the game is Time Killers and the guy with the chainsaw is Rancid.

3. screenshots of reptile in mk1 – Imagine Scorpion, only green. LOOK TO LA LUNA.

4. brontosaurus t shirt vintage – I don’t know what it means, I don’t want to know what it means, let’s ignore it and hope it goes away. Dinosaur t-shirts aren’t cool, even though I owned one.

5. porn passcodes – This is a new one. Interesting. And sad.

6. mtv longest video jeremy – I have no idea what the longest video ever produced for MTV was, but it certainly wasn’t Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy”. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is easily the longest piece that ever aired on MTV, but Thriller is more like a short film than an actual music video. If we disqualify it on those grounds, then the GN’R video “Estranged” is probably the longest video that ran on MTV, clocking in at 9 minutes and 39 seconds.

7. guns and rose moment for ever and ever and other – I have no what this means or if it is even really GN’R related, but since it came through Google Mexico I will assume it was a valiant attempt at English. That having been said, how fucking hard it to spell Guns N’ Roses? You start with a capital G, throw in a lowercase u, n, and s and then it gets tricky. You have a capital N followed by an apostrophe (‘) and a capital R, and a lowercase o, s, e, and s. Guns N’ Roses. Is that fucking difficult? NO.

 
And we’re done. Have a nice day. I should have another article up by the end of Friday, it’s already planned out and everything. I made a promise to an old friend/former archrival a few weeks ago that I’d do the aforementioned article and now I’m going to fulfill that obligation. I’m not going to tell you what it’s on though, that would ruin the fun. Guess you’ll have to wait and see.