Yes, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly site report where I show some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This FWSE report is for the week of March 19th through March 25th. Ready? Let’s go…

1. who plays the lead in 1985’s fantasy adventure red sonja – Brigitte Nielsen. She looks like a man in most movies, but she was actually sort of attractive with the red wig. Bridgette Wilson is way hotter though:

 
2. super mario 2 japan rom that runs on us nes emulator – While there are some hacked Super Mario Brothers roms that recreate fairly well, you will need an emulator with Famicom Disk System support if you want to run the actual Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2 rom. The reason being that the Japanese version of SMB2 was a floppy disk, not a cartridge. A lot of people don’t seem to realize this.

3. how to euthanize your cat – The Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger suggested the following: Place your cat is placed in a sealed box. Attach the box to an apparatus containing a radioactive nucleus and a canister of poison gas. This apparatus should be separated from the cat in such a way that the cat can in no way interfere with it. When the nucleus decays, it will emit a particle that triggers the apparatus, which opens the canister and kills the cat. Problem solved.

4. obscure pop culture – I can think of no better example of obscure pop culture than the Clarissa Explains It All board game. There probably is one, but I much prefer shameless self promotion.

5. shoot the bitch – Robert Blake, it is an honor to have you surf my site. How you’d like to play President Ronnie in a movie adaptation of the classic arcade game Bad Dudes that probably won’t ever get past the “Wouldn’t It Be Cool If…” stage?

6. kristin cavalleri nude – This is the part of FWSE where I start to get bored and thrown in one of the recurring porn searches that shows up in my site logs. Searches for nonexistent celebrity porn never get old. Oh wait, yes they do.

7. christy hemme talentless – I think we can all agree on that.

      Well, I’m afraid that’s it for now. If everything goes well, you will get to see some new site content before the end of the week. Even if it doesn’t, you still might.

      Welcome to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com feature where I showcase some of the various keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of March 12th – March 18th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. michael jackson’s moonwalker game stills – Screenshots. When they’re taken from a video game, they’re called screenshots. And if you’re looking for Moonwalker screenshots, you’ll find 39 of them in my article on Sega’s bizarre arcade game.

2. super punch out review – Hey, I’ve got one of those. If you hate the game or know nothing about it, you’ll probably enjoy it. If you like the game, you’ll be pissed.

3. sexy naked pictures of kristin cavalleri – Sorry, the only naked pictures I have of Kristin Cavallari are from a routine gynecology exam and that’s not sexy at all.

4. xanga kara beth borden – I have absolutely no idea what a Xanga is, let alone a Kara Beth Borden. Is that one of those new frittatas at Denny’s?

5. why should drunk drivers have a death penalty – So that I don’t have to see any of those heavyhanded drunk driving PSAs when I’m watching syndicated sitcoms, that’s why. Also, they’re the fucking scum of the earth.

6. what does ytmnd stand for – Gee, I don’t know. Let’s see if we can find a clues on the ytmnd.com homepage. Look closely:

Do you give up? It stands for You’re The Man Now Dog. The site’s name comes from an unintentionally hilarious line spoken by Sean Connery in the movie Finding Forrester.

7. strawberry smells bad – Like hell it does!

      Well, that’s it for now. I’ll be back in a few days with the next edition of FWSE. Until then, you’ll have to screw around on the forums.

Well it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com feature where I review some of the search terms that brought various visitors to my site. I couldn’t make these up if I tried. Actually, I could make them up very easily, but I haven’t; these are all actual searches. This FWSE report is for the week of March 5th – March 11th. Ready? Here we go…

1. giant man eating bat – Fine, here you go:

Okay, that kinda sucked. Sorry about that. If you can do better, send it in and I’ll post it.

2. what does kitana turn into after doing animality – A rabbit. There are easier ways to find this shit out than blindly typing it into Google. For God’s sake, discover GameFAQs. Thanks for the hit though.

3. revolution x smash tv – …are both awesome games. Next!

4. super mario fucking kara borden while donkeylips watches – Not only was this one a confirmed plant, but it was planted by Dr. Jeebus. It’s nice to know that even though my brother has only contributed one article to date, he still finds time to fuck with FWSE.

5. teen age fucking on mid night hot – Teenage is one word; so is midnight. Thanks for playing.

6. conan destroyer movie download – Just fucking buy it. You can get it for under under $10 or you can get it in a two-pack with Conan The Barbarian for under $20. If you can’t afford that, then where the hell did you get a computer?

7. vincent schiavelli was he in home alone film? – I don’t know, why don’t you try looking up his filmography on IMDB? No, he wasn’t. I knew that before even looking. No one in Home Alone even ALMOST looks like him. Do you even fucking know who Vincent Schiavelli was? Fuck you.

      Welcome back once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I chronicle some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into various search engines. Sadly, they generally don’t include Narnia. This FWSE report is for the week of February 26th – March 4th. As always, these are all real searches. Here it comes…

1. earthworm jim hentai – That’s a new one and it’s kinda scary. The Earthworm Jim characters are all pretty weird, do you *really* want to see Professor Monkey For A Head getting head from Earthworm Kim? Worms are hermaphroditic, so I’m pretty sure that looking at something like that would make you gay. Not that there’s anything wrong that.

2. larged winged bull-man guardian figures – Hey, at least it’s not hentai.

3. cartoon with cats in junkyard – That would be Cats And Co., also known as The Catillac Cats. It was part of Heathcliff’s show and it featured Riff Raff, Hector, Wordsworth, Mungo, and Cleo.

4. pop culture knowledge – Man, I wish I had some of that.

5. president afraid of the dark – That would be Bill Clinton. The reason he’s afraid of the dark is because Hillary could be hiding there somewhere, waiting for him.

6. what does half screen fatality mean – It means you have to distance yourself roughly halfway across the screen from your opponent in order for the fatality to work. In some FAQs, this is referred to as jumping distance, meaning that if you are standing next to your opponent and jump away from him, you will put yourself within the proper range to successfully execute the fatality. To see examples of close range fatalities and distanced fatalities, click here.

7. hudson’s adventure island how to kill boss – Are you fucking KIDDING me? You’ve got to be kidding. But in case you’re not, here’s a hint: THROW YOUR FUCKING WEAPON AT ITS FUCKING HEAD.

      I’m done, and that last one utterly destroyed my faith in humanity. While you wait for me to regain it, feel free to read my latest article. It’s on the Clarissa Explains It All board game. No, seriously.

Well, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I dredge up some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. These keywords usually include a variety of subjects from kara borden nude to hentai to even more hentai. This FWSE report is for the week of February 19th – February 25th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. video game controversary – Is controversary even a word? Come on people, stop giving Jack Thompson ammo. If more gamers could learn to form proper sentences and construct rational arguments as to why violent video games don’t cause violence (and by the way, they don’t), then maybe there’d be a whole lot less controversy. Someone needs to tell all those little fourteen-year-old shitheads out there smoking pot and playing Halo 2 everyday to do their fucking homework every once in a while because they’re going to ruin gaming for the rest of us.

I’m sorry, I meant to say this: LMAO XBOX R0X0RZ!!!! GTA FUCKING PWNZ J00!

2. the world just lost another hulkamaniac – Thousand of people die everyday, so odds are pretty good that at least one Hulkamaniac died today.

3. worst mortal kombat character – That’s easy: Kurtis Stryker.

4. how can i talk to the people that made nintendo mario – Learn Japanese.

5. super mario bloopers – This one comes up fairly frequently and I usually ignore it. I imagine that somebody out there must have made a gag reel of fake Mario bloopers and I figure that is probably what these people are searching for. So now, for the first time ever, I am finally ready to unveil my favorite Super Mario-related bloopers:

 
6. what is this stuff about nudalities in mk trilogy – Oh, that. That stuff is total bullshit.

7. best arnie puns – I’m partial to “He had to catch a train.” from Eraser.

      It’s a little late in the week but it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report is for the week of February 12th – February 18th. Also, it’s pretty half-assed.

1. nintendo world class track meet instruction manual – Why the hell would you need it? What’s wrong, you can’t figure out how to run? If you’re really that goddam stupid, try Vimm’s Lair. It’s under “S” for Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt/World Class Track Meet.

2. daughter is fucking a dude – One out of every ten daughters would rather fuck a chick.

3. wrestlemania fucking – Wrestlemania fucking, huh? Yeah right. If they had backstage orgies at Wrestlemania, some jobber would taped it, Dave Meltzer would have reported it, and it would be all over BitTorrent like a hobo on a ham sandwich.

4. pink frog insect back japan – Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

5. irem fucking – I this should have been fucking irem as in “Fucking Irem and their fucking inability to release more than one or two games a year, most of which don’t even get U.S. releases.”

6. how many levels in rampage nintendo – Lots.

7. sugar free vodka – If you want sugar free vodka, here’s a simple solution… DON’T FUCKING ADD RED BULL TO IT! There, now wasn’t that easy?

Yeah, so that sucked. Go read my Super Punch-Out review because that doesn’t.

      Welcome to yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly feature where I comment on some of the keywords that visitors to my site put into various search engines. This FWSE report is for the week starting February 5th and ending February 11th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. legend of the hidden temple video game – Even though you failed to pluralize the word “legend”, I am going to assume you are referring to the classic Nickelodeon show Legends of the Hidden Temple. I’ve got some bad news, no such game ever existed. According to GameFAQs, there isn’t a single game that even has both the words “hidden” and “temple” in its title. There were only two Nickelodeon video games from that era: GUTS on the Super Nintendo and Clarissa Darling’s Date Rape Tragedy on the Sega Genesis.

2. eat my shorts nickelodeon – Congratulations, you’ve managed to confuse a tired old Bart Simpson catchphrase with a classic Nickelodeon show.

3. hockey ducktales – You’re probably thinking of Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series, one of the worst cartoons ever to grace the Disney Afternoon.

4. super mario bros. and heathcliff free dvd – Such a thing does exist. It came in specially marked boxes of General Mills cereals at some point in 2004. I have it:

 
5. when you’re at a party and that thing flies and neck – I agree.

6. what soda has the least caffeine – Gee, how about the ones that say CAFFEINE FREE in big fucking letters right on the bottle? Maybe it’s those ones, you retard.

7. me and mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird, and instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a santa claus suit. he’d been climbing down the chimney on christmas eve. his arm was loaded with presents. he was gonna surprise us. he slipped and broke his neck, died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no santa claus… – And the award for Longest Fucking Search Term That I’ve Ever Seen goes to the person in seat number 62.171.194.12. Pleae note that no actual prize will be awarded.
 
That’s it. Here’s a comic.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search engines, the recurring SydLexia.com site report where you can see some of the keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines along with some half-assed commentary from me. This FWSE report covers the week starting January 29th and ending February 4th. Enjoy!

1. internet porn passcodes – Ha, nice try. I hate to break this to you, but due to strict international decency regulations, there is no pornographic material available anywhere on the internet. Sorry.

2. you can’t do that on television – How dare you presume to tell me what I can and cannot do on television. Fuck you.

3. murdar machene – This is what happens when my forum members Google themselves. If you join my goddam forums, you too could be featured in Fun With Search Engines.

DISCLAIMER: You won’t be.

4. preteens fucking preteens – I try to ignore this shit, but every time I see it, it makes me fucking angry. The degenerates who search for child pornography need to be held accountable for it. Unfortunately, there’s not much that I can do except try to embarrass them. Below, you’ll find a list of the IPs of all the people who found my site by searching for some variant of “fucking preteens” on February 1st. Why only that one day? Because I’m not a fucking watchdog and this is a pain in the ass to do, that’s why. Anyway, here the IPs of some disgusting human beings who need to be shot:

152.163.100.65
152.163.100.14
63.156.215.24
67.141.153.52
68.92.37.11
24.197.154.17
172.203.229.171
24.115.104.32
216.129.36.134
207.200.116.195

5. fuck you raiden – So you want to fuck the God of Thunder, huh? Let’s see what he has to say about this…

 
6. john hughes the best director ever – John Hughes was a pretty good director, but he was not the best. I’ve got two words for you, two words that automatically disqualify him from ever receiving the honor of Best Director Ever: Curly Sue.

7. nude pictures of kara borden – You know, she’s underage and she’s not even newsworthy anymore. If you people don’t stop with this shit, I’ll start publishing your IPs too.

      And so the curtain closes on yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. If this didn’t manage to hold your interest, you can always check out my latest article. It’s on the classic 1987 Pink Floyd album A Momentary Lapse of Reason and it’s far more interesting than this shit. It’s also much longer.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly segment where I look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to my site. This week, I’ve omitted all the Kristin Cavalleri, Kara Borden, and hentai searches because I’m getting sick of them. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 22nd and ending January 28th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. emo band names – I had forgotten all about this. Needless to say, it isn’t anywhere near as lucrative as I thought it would be.

2. whomp em – Fuck that. Crush ‘Em!

 
3. midway revolution x hint – Here’s a hint: suck less. The great thing about this hint is that it’s supremely vague so it can be applied to any video game.

4. unblockable porn – Unblockable porn, huh? Well, here you go:

 
5. the song after november rain – On Use Your Illusion I, it’s “The Garden”. On the Guns N’ Roses greatest hits compilation, it’s “Live and Let Die”. In terms of the band’s music video trilogy, it’s “Estranged”. And at least two of these answers could have been found on Amazon.com, dumbass.

6. ninja related crimes – Whatever, here’s another picture:

 
7. merry christmas i fucked your snowman – That’s just gross. People should not fuck snowmen, nor should they fuck more feminine snow creations. I guess the main point to walk away with here is this: man was not meant to fuck snow. But when Jack Frost fucked Shannon Elizabeth to death, that was way hot.

END OF FUN WITH SEARCH ENGINES #53. PLEASE INSERT DISK THREE.

      Well it’s time again for Fun With Search Engines. If you haven’t been following the site, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly report where I chronicle some of the search terms that brought visitors to my site. And by SOME, I usually mean seven. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 15th and ending January 21st. As always, these are all real searches.

1. illegal porn search – That’s fucking BRILLIANT.

2. answers for kids: how are marble angel fish helpful – What does this have to do with my site? Absolutely nothing. What SydLexia.com article came up as a result of this search? The 20 Worst NES Games You Might Have Actually Played. The moral? Don’t try to teach your kids stuff or you’ll end up on profane pop culture sites.

3. girl that got burned from drunk driving on myspace – There’s a bulletin that made its way around MySpace that included incredibly sickening pictures of a girl whose car was hit by a drunk driver. She survived the accident, but she was burned beyond recognition. I would like to say two things on this matter. First, if you’re on MySpace and you ever receive that bulletin, drop the person who sent it to you from your Friends list. Anyone who would send you a PSA with disgusting medical photos obviously doesn’t think very highly of you. That person is basically saying the following: “I don’t think you’re a reasonable person. I don’t think you have the common sense to realize to that drunk driving is a bad fucking idea. So instead, here are some gross photos that will intimidate you into doing the right thing.” It’s a fucking guilt trip and I absolutely HATE guilt trips. It’s bad enough when people lay guilt trips on me for eating meat, but when someone tries to lay one on me for something that I have NO INTENTION OF DOING then I get stabbing mad. So to hell with the bastards that forward those bulletins. Second, why the fuck would anyone actively search for those photos? It’s bad enough when you someone sends them to you, but only a truly deviant person would actually WANT to see that shit. So fuck you too. In fact, fuck you ever harder. If you’d like to learn more about my stance on drunk driving and heavy-handed PSAs, read this.

4. global guts drinking game – This intrigued me, so I did an independent search. There apparently isn’t a Global Guts drinking game, so I’ve invented one:

1. Every time you remember that Mike O’Malley’s profession of choice is second-rate comedian, do a shot.
2. Every time you see Moira “Mo” Quirk, do a shot.
3. Every time you consider fucking Mo, do a shot.
4. Every time some one says Aggro Crag, do a shot.

Is it particularly clever? No, but it’ll get you absolutely TRASHED.

5. are you a bad enough dude – If my stagnant Alexa ranking is any indication, then no. Sorry.

6. kristin cavalleri nude – Every fucking day, some variant of this is one of the top ten search terms that brings people to SydLexia.com. Stop it. Come on people, Laguna Beach isn’t even fucking on anymore. Find a new half-assed celebrity-of-the-moment to put into your fucking porn searches, you douchebags. Oh well, at least the Kara Borden searches are subsiding…

7. murder inspired by an acdc melody – This probably isn’t what you’re talking about, but “Thunderstruck” inspired me to electrocute my cousin Autumn. She was a problem child, but I took care of her with a flick of the switch.

GAME OVER

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly SydLexia.com feature where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Generally they range from hentai to celebrity porn to kiddy porn, but this week I’ve dug up some *slightly* more interesting ones. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 8th and ending Januarry 14th. As always, these are all 100% real searches.

1. wrecking balls – For wrecking balls, I recommend a cheese grater. That’d hurt like hell.

2. kristin cavalleri updates – I received word earlier today that Kristin Cavallari was eaten by wolves. She was delicious. In other news, former president Gerald Ford has pneumonia and has been hospitalized. As far as I know, he is doing OK.

3. kara grainger nude – Prior to seeing this search, I had absolutely no idea who Kara Grainger was. She’s apparently a singer/songwriter from Sydney and she’s not bad looking. I still prefer Natalie Imbruglia though. I’d also like to point out that prior to this FWSE, the word Grainger never appeared on the site. However due to references to Beth Borden and Hermione Granger, SydLexia.com is the #1 search result through Google Austrailia. Go figure.

4. monster party nes bosses – Enjoy.

5. wasnt always ninja american ninja – I’m going to assume this is a yes/no question in which case I have a 50/50 chance at being right. So, uh… yes?

6. unblockable fuck pics – What the hell does that even mean?

7. Desperately_Not_Yours – That’s the former Xanga of Kara Borden buddy Kayla Jeffries It totally doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t think anyone mirrored it. Too bad for you.

And we’re done. See, wasn’t that slightly more entertaining than usual? No? Well, fuck you! I’m outta here.

      And so it seems we’ve reached an exceptionally meaningless milestone here in the news section: the 50th Fun With Search Engines. In case you missed the first 49 editions of it, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly site report where I list some of the phrases that visitors to my site plugged into search engines and comment upon them. This FWSE report is for the week starting January 1st and ending January 7th. As always, these are all real searches. And now, here it is:

1. school of athens terminator – I originally assumed that this search was a plant done by one of my forum members. But upon examining the vast search results, it appears highly likely that this was a legitimate search. It’s still pretty bizarre though.

2. kristin cavalleri nude and naked – Nude AND naked? That’s just plain greedy. I think either one or the other would be fine.

3. neopets faeries naked – I mentioned Neopets in FWSE #49 in order to comment on its inherent gayness and THIS is what I get in return. Fantastic.

4. blob porn – You know what? Fine. Here:

 
5. salute my shorts – YOUR shorts, dumbass. It’s Salute Your Shorts. Despite your pitiful lack of pop culture knowledge, Donkeylips still needs your help.

6. how to put dragonballl movies onto myspace – Hi Satan, what’s up? I always suspected that you created the internet but I never imagined that you used it too. I refuse to help you display Dragon Ball movies on your MySpace, but if there is any way that I can serve you through *my* website, drop me an e-mail. Also, tell Anton I said hi. HAIL LUCIFER!

7. kara beth borden nude pics – Why the fuck do I still get searches for this? The news story is effectively dead until David Ludwig’s trial starts. Oh well, at least it’s not a hentai search.

      This concludes a very porntastic edition of Fun With Search Engines. Tune in next week, when I just might dig a little deeper into my site logs and find some slightly more interesting searches.

      It’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I highlight some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This is FWSE report covers December 24th – December 31st, which makes this the last FWSE report of 2005. Christmas and NYE are supposed to bring out the best in people but that doesn’t seem to really be the case, at least not on the internet. As you’ll soon discover, some bastards have absolutely no qualms about searching for porn on Christmas. So without further delay, I bring you Fun With Search Engines:

1. mario having sex with peach for free – Peach is a princess and therefore rich as fuck, so why would she charge money for sex? Besides, Mario has saved her ass so many times that it’s more or less implied that he gets to tap it for free.

2. are there fat samaons? – Are there any other kind?

3. fuck my christmas elf – I’m kind of at a loss here. Either this is a line from the campiest porno flick ever or the person who typed it was on crack. I’m fairly confident that it’s the latter option, but I rather hope that it’s the former. Seriously, if such a porno exists, please let me know.

4. dammit shit shit shit hell yes – Sorry, I’m not very good at identifying hip-hop songs by lyrics. Try Lyrics Crawler.

5. which level do we use the bottled faeries – It might help if you specified WHAT FUCKING GAME YOU WANTED HELP WITH. This sounds suspiciously like it’s a Neopets thing. Well you know what? Neopets is fucking gay. And now that MTV owns it, it’s just going to get worse.

6. babalities friendships and fatalities for mk2 – Try here.

7. kara borden porn – Searches for naked pics of Kara Beth Borden and Kristin Cavallari combined account for about 5% of my daily hits from search engines. That’s means there’s a lot of losers out there who are real fucking disappointed when they click through to my page. To all you perverts out there, I have three pieces of advice: First, don’t search for celebrity porn. The search engines results will rarely yield worthwhile pages and 90% of celebrity porn is fake anyway. Second, if you really want porn, learn to fucking use a P2P program. And finally, read my page. My page is way better than porn.

8. wwe sucks – Unfortunately, it really does. And it seems to keep getting worse. In recent months, we’ve seen the retirement of Chris Jericho, the death of Eddie Guerrero, and the loss of Christian. Mark my words, TNA is the future of wrestling. If they could get more TV time and better time slots, they could compete with the WWE on a serious level and force Vince McMahon to make his product worthwhile again.

9. toy batman begging – Batman doesn’t beg, motherfucker.

10. dexter’s lab hentai – You didn’t really think I’d get out of 2005 without at least one more hentai search… did you?

      Well, that it’s. Hopefully 2006 will be a better year for FWSE, a year where my site visitors search for world peace and Nintendo instead of preteens fucking. God how I wish I really believed that were possible.

      Well, Christmas was five days ago and I’ve finally wandered out of the haze of gluttony and avarice that the holiday generally sends me into. So now, it’s time for Fun With Search Engines. But this isn’t just *any* old edition of FWSE, this is a special holiday edition that covers the week leading up to Christmas, December 18th – December 24th. If you ever wondered what people search for in the days leading up to the birth of Christ, you’re about to find out. As always, these are all actual keywords that visitors to my site put into search engines:

1. frosty the snowman hentai – Tis the season, huh?

2. disney are you afraid of the dark – Yes, the fucking thumbsuckers who run Disney probably are afraid of the dark. But if by some chance you’re referring to the TV show Are You Afraid Of The Dark? then you should know that ran on Nickelodeon, not Disney.

3. christmas fuck suck greeting card – It may not surprise you to learn that this search came through Google Nederland. I like porn as much as the next guy, but if someone sent me an X-rated eGreeting, I’d be rather pissed. There’s a time and a place for shit like that, but you really can’t expect anyone in the Netherlands to grasp the concept of moderation. If there really is a God and He ever decides to bring Judgment Day down upon us, I’m pretty sure the first thing he’ll do is put Holland back underwater. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him.

4. old christmas santa claus c64 game – There were several and you can see them all in the Commodore Christmas Crapfest. However, Father Christmas is really the only one worth mentioning.

5. kara borden naked pics – Even on fucking Christmas Eve! GODDAMIT!

6. ted kennedy is sober – That’s libel. He could sue.

7. drunk driving psa face burned commercial – I once went off on a long angry rant about how much I fucking hate drunk driving PSAs. That shit is depressing as fuck and they run them on Comedy Central sometimes. What the fuck is that?

And I’m done. Tune in next week to see what people searched for on Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve. Maybe there won’t even be any hentai searches next time. Hey, I can dream, right?

      Well, I should probably be out getting my Christmas shopping done, but instead I’m bringing you another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For anyone as of yet unfamiliar with FWSE, it’s a weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into Yahoo, Google, and whatnot. This FWSE report is for the week of December 11th – December 17th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. sabertooth tigers are they extinct – What the hell kind of a question is this? YES, THEY’RE FUCKING EXTINCT YOU FUCKING MORON!

2. heathcliff cartoon clip – How about four clips?

Heathcliff Intro
Heathcliff End Credits
Pet Tip – Fish
Pet Tip – Old Dogs

3. nude pics of victor krum – Harry Potter porn? That’s the grossest thing that I’ve heard in a long, long time. Excuse me while I go fucking puke.

4. nudalities in ultimate mk 3 – Thankfully do not exist. Do you really want to see Nightwolf, Sheeva, or Cyrax naked anyway? No, you don’t. If you do, you have some serious fucking issues.

5. kara borden photobucket pictures – Here.

6. wrestling poser wife OR housewife -sex – This search came through Google Greece, so we’ll probably never how well this person understood English or what the fuck they were searching for. But “Wrestling Poser Wife” sounds it could be a pop punk song. I nominate Bowling For Soup to write it.

7. samus kills master chief animated gif – If something like this actually exists, send it my way. I would pay good money to watch Samus murder that Halo retard.

This concludes my Fun With Search Engines report. If you would like to learn more about any of the topics that I’ve covered, check your local library. And now I’ve got to finish my fucking Christmas shopping.

      And I’m back once again with yet another edition of Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I look at some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This FWSE report covers the week starting December 4th and ending December 10th. As always, these are all real searches…

1. mortal kombat kung lao toy – There are several Kung Lao action figures out there. Hell, there’s even a collector’s edition of Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks that comes with both Liu Kang and Kao Lung figures. But who cares? Until someone makes a Kung Lao figure with amazing hat-throwing action, what’s the point?

2. kara borden myspace profile pics – What’s this? Someone searching for information that might offer them insight into the lives of Kara Borden and David Ludwig instead of porn? Well, here’s an archive of mirrors that you might find helpful.

3. nude photos of kara beth borden and david ludwig – DAMMIT!

4. see videos of mario peach fucking each other for free – For free? Fuck you. Gimme 20 blue coins and a couple of shine sprites, then we’ll talk.

5. describe the heathcliff’s appearance and character – Except for that bizarrely placed article, I would assume that you’re supposed to be reading Wuthering Heights, but you’re too lazy to actually do so. And if Wuthering Heights wasn’t the worst fucking book ever written, I’d be inclined to chastise you.

6. shawn wayans has personal philosophy – I know he’s not exactly the smartest guy who ever lived, but of course he has a personal philosophy. News flash: EVERYONE has a personal philosophy. Shawn’s philosophy is this: make cheap, shitty movies that are commercially successful in urban areas and make millions of dollars in the process.

7. teamwork in pop culture – What the fuck kind of a search is this? I mean, come on. Teamwork is everywhere in pop culture: Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga, The Fellowship of the Ring, Tango & Cash, the list goes on. But the best example of teamwork in pop culture is The Smurfs. Those blue little commie bastards were all about sharing and shit. But hey, they were still slightly less gay than The Littl’ Bits, The Care Bears and The Snorks.

And we’re done. A new article will be up by Sunday, but hopefully a little sooner. Until then, there’s always the forums.

    Welcome to yet another installment of Fun With Search Engines. For anyone who’s just joining us, Fun With Search Engines is a weekly segment where I discuss some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Why? Because I think it’s fun. This FWSE report is for the week of November 27th through December 3rd. As always, these are all real search queries. And here we go:

1. don’t fuck the ducktales – That’s sound advice. I wouldn’t fuck the DuckTales. Most of them were guys and those that weren’t were either too young (Webby), too old (Ma Beagle, Mrs. Beakley) or worthless fucking immigrants (Magica De Spell). Oh yeah, AND THEY WERE ALL DUCKS.

2. kara beth borden/naked pictures – Yeah, the whole porn thing isn’t happening. Instead, you get these:

David Ludwig Sucks
David Ludwig Sucks #2
David Ludwig Sucks #3
David Ludwig Sucks #4

I made these a while ago and being the asshole that I am, I posted them on the blogs on David’s MySpace. Unfortunately, one of his jabroni friends took control of the MySpace and changed it completely, so if you want to see Ludwig’s MySpace and his two blogs, you’ll have to find a mirror somewhere.

3. spaces of dragons – After Googling this term myself, I came to an awful realization: this person was looking for species of dragons and had no idea how to spell or pronounce the word. Western society is at a critical low when even D&D nerds can’t fucking spell properly…

4. diet pepsi ingredients – It’s people! Diet Pepsi is PEEEEEEEOPLE! Since you’re too lazy and/or poor to dole out the 89 cents required to buy a 2 liter bottle, here are ingredients of Diet Pepsi: carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosporic acid, potassium benzoate (preserves freshness), caffeine, citric acid, and natural flavors.

5. kristin cavalleri in hot pictures on the internet in the nude – I like how this guy specified that the pictures should be hot. If he hadn’t done that, he might have accidentally found naked pictures of her shaving her legs.

6. freeze don’t make a fucking move man – When you threaten search engines, you demonstrate that some people just don’t deserve internet access. Unless you threaten Jeeves, that snobby prick is just asking for it.

7. construction workers fucking – After a long day of drinking coffee and pretending to do road work, your average construction worker is far too tired to service his wife. You would be too if you spent all day screwing taxpayers.

And that’s the end of that chapter.

      And now it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I make fun of or otherwise comment upon various keywords that visitors to my site typed into search engines. This particular report is for the week starting November 20th and ending November 26th. As always, these are all real searches.

1. monster party nes – Should not be confused with Apogee’s Monster Bash starring Johnny Dash. The sad part is that Monster Bash came out in 1993 and didn’t look noticeably better than Monster Party. Oh shareware, how you sucked.

2. mortal kombat names of the fighting girls – As opposed to what, non-fighting girls? That sounds like it should be a category at Spike TV’s lameass video game awards.

And the nominees for Best Female Character In A Non-Fighting Role are…

3. nancy everhard – Dear god… IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!

4. a picture of the ramones that i can copy a code and paste it onto myspace – Oh my, where to begin…

1. Learn how to use Google Image Search
2. Learn how to use basic fucking HTML tags
3. The Ramones kick ass.
4. YOU SUCK AT LIFE. DIE.

5. who was the only person to be at all the first 20 wrestlemanias? – If I had to guess, I’d say it was Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

6. kara borden naked – Call up the Lancaster County courthouse, I’m sure they’ll hook you up. Or arrest you, you sick fucking douchebag.

7. jill valentine hentai – You know, when I first found out that Jill Valentine wasn’t in RE4, I was pissed. Then I actually played the game, and I didn’t care anymore.
 
 
That’s all, folks.

      So it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. For anyone who just found this site through Google or whatnot, it works like this: every week, I go through my site logs and see what keywords visitors to my site typed into search engines. Then I comment on them. So if you thought that your search for kiddy porn was just between you and God, you were wrong and now I have your IP. Send me money or I’ll turn your sorry ass into the feds. This FWSE report is for the week starting November 13th and ending November 19th. And so it begins:

1. kara borden myspace – Since I’m a nice guy, I’ll help you out with this one:

This is what Kara’s MySpace looked like before all the shit went down: Pic 1  Pic 2
This is what it looked like shortly after she was taken into custody.
This is what it looks like now.
Kara’s Xanga looked like this before it was taken down.
Here’s David Ludwig’s MySpace.
David’s Xanga looked like this before it was taken down.

2. words to hulk hogan’s song – Hulk Hogan is an industrious man who writes lots of songs. Well, he’s cowritten at least a dozen or so. At any rate, you’ll have to be way more specific. I know you can’t possibly mean “Real American” because only someone who’s completely pop culture illiterate wouldn’t know that his classic WWF entrance music contains those two words. I’m not saying that you have to know that’s the fucking name of it, but that would have helped too.

3. salute your shorts sponge played by – You should probably fucking learn how to use IMDB or TV.com, but the answer is Tim Eyster. Next!

4. i hate nes battletoads NES Battletoads was a gift from God. If you can’t beat it, it’s because your love for Jesus isn’t strong enough.

5. snk vs mortal kombat clips – No such game exists. Not only that, but no such game could *ever* exist, because the MK characters are fucking hardcore and the SNK characters are all limp-wristed sissies. Seriously, SNK VS Capcom would be a great fighting series if it wasn’t for all the SNK guys.

6. michael jackson online music bad – This could have several meanings. I’ll let you choose your own.

7. kara beth borden nude pics – I totally called this last week. Well, actually I think I said it would be kara borden naked, but it’s the same damn thing. Of course, predicting what internet fucktards will search for isn’t much harder than predicting a direct-to-video Jean-Claude Van Damme will suck goat balls. It’s pretty much a sure thing. But anyway, she’s fourteen. Come on, guys. Although, if Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire taught me anything, it’s that David and Kara’s relationship wasn’t really inappropriate. If it’s OK for 14-year-old Hermione Granger to have a relationship with 18-year-old Victor Krum, then Kara and David were just livin’ the dream. That’s what J.K. Rowling is teaching our children. Well, YOUR children because I don’t have any yet. And by your children, I mean people who found this page by accident.
 
 
And that’s it. I should have at least one new article up by the end of the week. The one I’m working on right now is another cartoon… I won’t spoil the surprise as to which one though.

      Welcome once again to Fun With Search Engines, the weekly report where I show you some of the keywords that visitors to my site typed into Yahoo and other search engines. This FWSE report covers the week of November 6th – November 12th. Here it comes:

1. i’m not anyone lyrics sammy davis jr – You know, when I saw this, I was confused. I didn’t remember mentioning Sammy Davis Jr. at all. But I did. Did I also order an orchestra, possibly while stoned? No, that was Cypress Hill. If you want to know where Sammy’s name appears on the site, you can look it up yourself…

2. kristin cavalleri naked – Although it is too early to say for sure, I predict that in another week or so the searches for Kristin Cavallari porn will be replaced with searches for Kara Borden porn. That’s what the Vegas bookies are telling me anyway.

3. see free fatalities screenshots for mk2 – What, is someone charging for them? If so, what are the profit margins? This idea mildly intrigues me… Wait, no it doesn’t. Charging people for screenshots is even more retarded than charging people to use your forums. And I can’t think of a single popular site that does something as greedy and disingenuous as that.

4. why are there no super mario roms? – In attempt to feign legitimacy, big ROM sites such as ROM-World have decided that to take down games at the request of their manufacturers. The result is that it is now slightly more difficult to find the old games you’d actually WANT to play like Mega Man and Legend of Zelda. If you’re not totally inept, you’ll still be able to find these games with a little more digging. If not, you can still play the millions upon millions of crappy rom hacks of the classics. Super Nakio Brothers, anyone?

5. my daughter is fucking ablack dude – The obvious joke to make here would have been that if ablack were an actual word, that My Daughter Is Fucking Ablack Dude could be a porn site. As it turns out, it actually *is* a porn site and a mediocre one at that.

6. soccer difficult trivia questions – This search came from Ireland, a country where’s the actually such a thing as an easy soccer trivia question. Here in American, all soccer questions are hard because no one watches the damn thing. Of course, I thought soccer is generally called football in Europe. You know who I blame? Fucking emigrants, that’s who.

7. super mario land roms – I’m all for retrogaming, but Super Mario Land is not worth your time. It’s also not worth $2 of your hard earned cash, yet EB Games will charge you $9.99 for a used copy of it. Assholes.
 
 
Well, that’s it. Tune in next week for more random shit.